School's out for the summer. School's out forever (due to budgetary constraints). School is out and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall, to get me a short set. School is out and I can no longer legally look at most of the girls at the mall when I'm leaning against the wall next to Orange Julius in my trenchcoat at 2pm on a Tuesday....
Summer weather means summer events and summer foods. If you're like me, you have a lot of barbecues to attend and a lot of anxiety about some asshole's giant tri-tip dominating the shared grill space and dripping dead cow blood on your pitiful Boca burger. What's it like to attend a barbecue as a vegan? Well there are a few approaches:
1) Be invisible. Eat beforehand, don't say anything, maybe grab some chips, maybe grab a soft drink, pretend to have fun, stuff your face with quinoa when you get home and Febreeze the beef smell out of your clothes.
2) Be the asshole. This is when you act like every shitty sitcom's "vegetarian" character. Make it known that you don't eat meat, tell people annoying statistics about heart disease, say the word "Monsanto" a lot, dramatically keep your food away from others, judge them, be judged, don't get invited back.
3) Show them what you got. Go get 'em, Tiger. Read them the old riot act. Make something to share that you can eat that they can enjoy as well. Fake versions of animal products are never popular among the carnivorous, nor should they be. I tend to eat some "replacement" products (chik'n nuggets, faux gras, unreal veal, SOYlent Green, etc.) but they are an imitation. We all know that imitations suck, except Frank Caliendo, 'cause LOL at his John Madden. Make the real deal, make it with common ingredients, don't make a point to tell everyone that it's vegan. Just lay it out there and see what happens. People will learn to accept that there are viable menu options that don't involve animal slaughter or titty-stroking and you will get less and less shit from your friends to the point that after 5 years or so, your veganism will only be like 85% of the conversation at every fucking meal.
In the spirit of number 3 - I present to you my "Miso Corny Summertime Salad, With Special Guests!!"
WHAT YOU NEED:
4 ears of fresh corn. (If you use canned or frozen corn, that's fine, but just know you're a lazy bum)
1 can of black beans
1 large red Heirloom tomato (again, regular tomatoes are fine, but you're only cheating yourself)
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup mellow white miso (this is the only "strange" ingredient here, but it's common enough that it's available at most grocery stores, refrigerated near the tofu. It keeps for a long time and has many uses.)
1 tsp agave nectar
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
Cayenne or white pepper or both, to taste. Black pepper too. Fucking Dr. Pepper, I don't care about you.
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (optional)
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Grill the corn or roast it in the oven. For grilling, just pop on the grill, in the husk, turning occasionally, about 20-25 minutes. Some say to soak beforehand but I see it as an unnecessary step. It comes out fine either way. To roast in the oven, preheat to 350 and place, in the husk, on the middle rack for 30 minutes. When done, cut off the cob and add to a large bowl.
2) Drain & heat up the beans a bit. I rinse them here too because bean juice is kind of grody and if you're Instagramming your meal, which you all do, it helps keep the color nice. Place in the corn bowl when done.
3) Chop the tomato into 1/4 inch-ish pieces. Mix with the corn and beans. Place the bowl in the fridge.
4) Place dressing ingredients in a blender or, my preference, a cup or bowl and blend with an immersion (stick) blender. To recap, this is the lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, miso, agave nectar, paprika, jalapeno, and garlic. Blend until smooth. Like, Santana and Rob Thomas smooth.
5) Taste the dressing for spice. The raw garlic and jalapeno make it pretty spicy but if you're trying to be all badass and stuff, add some cayenne. If making a large batch for mixed company, keep it on the milder side.
6) Add about half of the dressing to the corn mixture and mix. It should coat but not overwhelm. Keep the remaining dressing on the side in case people want more. Offer the cilantro on the side to those who have actual reasonable human taste buds and enjoy the refreshing light spice of cilantro.
7) Sit back and watch the barbecue invitations roll in (if they don't, it's not the salad's fault, it's because you tried to make out with your aunt at the last one. Remember that? Yeah. So maybe ease up on the Zima)
SERVING SUGGESTION:
This really goes great as a side dish with anything. We had it tonight alongside tacos, but it's great with anything on the grill, and can even make a great light meal on its own. This has always been a hit and I would recommend doubling or tripling the recipe because it goes fast.
SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:
Fill a bowl and walk into a large ethnically-mixed cookout. Walk up to all the black people and pull the beans out of your bowl as you tell them "I'm making this better!". Repeat with the corn for Asian people, and the tomatoes for bald white people with sunburns. Look down at your empty bowl, realize you are out of food and out of friends, starve to death and die. Nobody will come to your funeral, save for the 3 white supremacists who remembered their SPF 50, and they're just coming because they heard your aunt's a slut.
SERVES 4-6 AS A SIDE. MORE IF YOU MAKE MORE. KEEPS WELL FOR 4-5 DAYS.
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