VEGAN S'MORKIES!!!!

Like every overweight person I know, I LOVE me some dessert.  Now I never want to become one of those white trash ladies who wear a chocolate-related hoodless sweatshirt (with built-in dress collar) to her job in the Accounts Receivable department every day, but I do enjoy a sweet treat from time to time. 

The following is an idea that I had one morning, figured out during the day, and made that night.  That's a little thing I like to call "Git R' Done!".  I just made that shit up.  I should make THAT into a hoodless sweatshirt (with built-in dress collar)(denim).  

Based solely on taste and experience, I think it's hard to argue against the s'more as the best dessert in the world.  It gave the boring-ass graham cracker a new lease on life, and solved the problem of "how can I light something on fire and then immediately eat it?".  There are a few problems with the s'more:

1)        It is unlikely that when the s'more craving hits you, you will be in the position to build a campfire.  If you are, you likely live in the woods and probably have bigger problems than figuring out the perfect vegan treat.

2)       It's a lot to ask of your friends and family members to create this yummy treat in your home and not drop chocolate and marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs all over the white carpet that you stupidly thought was a good idea to have in your living room.

3)       The s'more typically involves 3 non-vegan ingredients, marshmallows (gelatin), chocolate (milk), and graham crackers (honey).  So if you're vegan, you're s'mshit out of luck. 

Solution:  Chef Kodi's special vegan s'more cookies!!!  Wait…this will never fly without a cutesy name that makes you hate yourself after saying it more than twice.  Let's try again:

SOLUTION:  The S'MORKIE!!!!!!!!

Ahhhh, the S'morkie!  A lovely, luxurious, heartwarming treat that will be enjoyed by vegans and non-vegans alike. 

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 1/2 cup of flour

1 cup of Graham Cracker crumbs (about 10 full crackers, or half a box, smashed by hand with a few pieces is okay, in fact, it makes the texture more interesting and better for the party in your mouth to which cavities are invited)

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

Logs, newspaper, a lighter, sticks, and a bunch of assholes in camping chairs

Replacement for 2 eggs (I use 1/2 cup silken tofu and 1 teaspoon baking powder, but there are other options such as the "En-er-G Egg Replacer" which comes in a box that looks like a prop from the Brady Bunch's cupboard)

1/4 cup REAL maple syrup (and if you try to come with that Log Cabin bullshit, I will cut you)

1 cup brown sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup corn oil

1 cup vegan chocolate chips

I bag of vegan marshmallows (mini are the best)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)        Preheat the oven to 350.

2)       Mix all dry ingredients (flour, graham crackers, baking powder, baking soda, salt)  set aside.

3)       Whisk together wet ingredients (egg replacement, oil, syrup, brown sugar, vanilla) until well mixed.  For those of you that say "but brown sugar isn't wet!" all I can say is that your mom's face isn't wet. 

4)       Since you probably forgot, turn on the oven.

5)       Slowly combine the dry mixture into the wet, and mix until just combined.  Fold in the chocolate chips.  

SIDE NOTE:  One reason that vegan baking stomps ass is that there are no raw eggs and no risk of salmonella.  This means you can eat all the uncooked dough that your chubby, overworked heart desires.  This also means that since your newfound skill at vegan cooking will lead to lots of sex and pregnancies, you can safely feed the uncooked dough to your pregnant lady friend as a distraction while you hastily pack your duffel bag and leave town.    

6)       Place the dough by the spoonful (about 2 tbs per cookie) onto a lightly greased baking sheet.  I prefer to roll it into balls and press so that they have even thickness.  You can also use parchment paper and no grease.  I prefer this method because parchment is what the Constitution was written on, and if you don't like parchment you're a fucking commie.

7)       Bake the cookies for about 13 minutes, remove from the oven.

8)       They should be soft on top and not fully cooked.  Take the marshmallows and press them into the top of the cookies.  While you're doing this, switch the oven to Broil. 

9)       Once the marshmallows are in the top of the cookies, pop the tray back in and cook until they are slightly brown and melty on the top.  They will start to expand, and that's how you will know you're close.  DO NOT leave the room.  DO NOT leave the marshmallows unattended.  It should only take 90 seconds or so, depending on the broiler, and you may want to lift the cookie sheet to make sure the 'mallows (cool way to say marshmallows) get toasted, but if your cookies catch on fire and you're stuck serving fruit or some stupid bullshit like that as dessert as you air out the kitchen and have to ask the tall person to pull the 9 volt battery out of your smoke detector, it's your own damn fault.

10)   Take the cookies out, they can be eaten as soon as people can stand to touch them.  The warmer the better.  After day #1, pop them in the microwave for 10-15 seconds to re-create that campfire feeling even though you're just home alone reading vampire fiction and whining to your cats about how hard it is to find a man.

11)   Best served with good friends and a scary story LOL!!!!  But seriously, if the "here's a campfire, good thing I brought my acoustic guitar, now listen to me play the same riff from a Dave Matthews song all night" guy comes along, don't give him a cookie.

12)   Smile as your non-vegan friends enjoy the fruits of your labor, wince as they discuss with one another how easy it would be to make this recipe using regular, non-vegan items.  Assholes.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

It's the perfect fucking cookie.  Eat it by itself.  Or with a chilled glass of rice milk.  Or atop a scoop of vanilla bean coconut ice cream.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Put a plateful on the fireplace of a child's house on Christmas Morning with a note that says "For Santa".  Point out to the child that the cookies are untouched, therefore Santa does not exist.  Use their tears to salt the rim of a margarita glass.  Drink and enjoy their misery.    

SERVES BETWEEN ONE AND 20 PEOPLE, DEPENDING ON LEVEL OF FATNESS AND FOOD AGGRESSION.  

Pumpkin French Toast. Easy as shit!! No, easy as pie! I should have said pie!!!

Sticking with the fall vegetable theme, and wanting to get another recipe on the books before I leave for vacation this weekend, I have to let you all in on my all-time favorite, and one of the simplest creations I have come up with.

Sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning, ready for some football and couch-laying, with a desire for nothing more than alcohol-soaking carbs.  I used to roll out of bed at 9:56, with just enough time to set my fantasy lineups and pour a strong Kahlua and coffee before spending the next 9 hours watching a bunch of millionaires in tight pants pile onto each other while fighting over leather.  You know, MAN stuff.

Now I have a baby.  And while she is the absolute love of my life, blah blah blah, she wakes up at the pusscrack of dawn every morning so my Sundays start before the Sun's Sunday does.  This means I have time to kill and time to figure out how to make the world better.  I present to you Pumpkin French Toast:

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 Loaf of French bread.  The bakery kind.  A benefit of being up at 5:30am is that this is fresh.  Makes all the difference in the world.
1 cup of pureed pumpkin (not the pie mix.  As Randy Moss would say, "Straight squash, homie.")
1 cup of unflavored Rice Milk
2 tbs brown sugar
1 accompanying D'Angelo video (that boy FOINE!!)
2 pinches cinnamon
2 pinches nutmeg
2 pinches cloves
2 pinches salt
(If you're having trouble with a "pinch", it's like 1/8 tsp for 2 pinches.  Just put some.  Some.  If you fuck it up, it's on you.)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Butter or spray for the pan

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Slice bread into thickish slices.  About 1/2 inch each.
2)  Heat a skillet to medium-high
3)  Try not to think about having sex with D'Angelo
4)  Mix all ingredients, pumpkin, milk, sugar, salt, vanilla & spices in a bowl with a whisk or a blender if you prefer.
5)  Pour the mix on a flattish surface.  Cover the bread in the mix by plopping (science) it down on the mix on each side.  You don't want it soaked and you don't want it dripping off.  Pumpkin should cover the surface.
6)  Put butter/spray on the skillet and cook on each side for about 2 minutes and then flip.  Repeat.  Best to eyeball them, you'll be able to tell when they're done.
7)  I like to have the oven on like 200 and put the finished slices on a cookie tray to keep them warm.  If you have a fancy warming tray that works too.  Or everyone doesn't have to eat at once.  Serve and enjoy.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  This is good on its own or with some fruit and maybe a piece of veggie sausage.  Maple syrup (authentic, not that plastic-ass Log Cabin bullshit).

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Stuff all slices into a Jack-O-Lantern.  Add a large Jesus candle, light.  Once the Christ-wax has sufficiently covered the french toast, throw it off an overpass at the first Porsche Cayenne you see.  Go home and have some Apple Jacks.

SERVES 4-5.  ALSO KEEPS WELL AND CAN BE RE-HEATED.

PICTURE COMING SOON.

Sweet Potato, Kale & Black Bean Enchiladas - ON CRACK!!!

YAY YAY YAY IT'S THE FIRST RECIPE Y'ALL!!!

So the other night I wanted to make something delicious that incorporated my favorite fall flavors.  Unfortunately, Pumpkin Spice lattes, NFL Football and hard nipples in sweaters don't a vegan meal make, so I had to go for plan B - Sweet Potatoes.

The history of the sweet potato in America is probably interesting.  Haven't looked it up.  Another fave, kale, which is basically essential in half of my meals, had to be involved, and of course, we needed black beans 'cause farting.  Without further delay - here we go:

WHAT YOU NEED:

Enchilada Sauce:

1 15 oz can of tomato sauce or diced tomatoes
1 3/4 cups veggie broth.  For those too lazy to measure, just pretty much refill the empty tomato can.
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 backup teaspoon, 'cause damn you're using that motherfucker a lot!!
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp hot sauce, or to taste
salt to taste

Enchilada Filling:

1 super large sweet potato/yam, diced into 1/4 in cubes (about 3 cups)
1 bunch green kale, washed and torn into bite-size pieces
1 15 oz can black beans
1 poblano pepper
1/2 medium yellow onion, diced
1 tbs oil.  I use peanut, but not essential.  Just don't use Castrol 10W30 or V05 Hot Oil. 
Salt & pepper to taste

Other Shit:

Corn tortillas (about 8, see what will fit your casserole dish)
Daiya vegan cheese (or none, or regular cheese 'cause fuck me, right?)
A casserole dish.

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cover the diced sweet potatoes in water, bring to a boil.  Boil about 10 minutes or so after the water starts boiling, until they are tender.  And say the word "boil" a lot.
2)  Prep the veggies while this is cooking, combine all ingredients for the sauce in a saucepan & bring to a boil.  Lower heat & simmer until flavors are combined & liquid is reduced a bit.
3)  Heat oil in a saute pan, add onion & pepper.  Once softened, add kale.  Cook until kale is wilted.
4)  Preheat oven to 350 - probably the right time for this.
5)  Add beans & cooked potatoes to kale mixture, season with salt & pepper to taste. 
6)  Lightly grease the casserole dish with cooking spray or by rubbing it against the hair of a Def Leppard roadie.  Add about 1/2 cup sauce to the bottom of the dish.
7)  Cook tortillas for a minute or so on each side in a frying pan to soften.  Dunk in the sauce & layer the bottom of the dish.
8)  Scoop a healthy layer of the filling over the tortillas.  Almost to the top of the pan or until you run out.  If it goes over you fucked up and now you have to eat off the floor.
9)  Repeat tortilla cooking/sauce dunking to create a top layer.  If you copy Dee Brown's winning dunk from the 1991 Slam Dunk Contest the food will taste 1,000 times better. 
10)  Top with cheese, put in the oven for 15 minutes.
11)  Change oven to broil, cook for 5 more minutes to melt cheese or cheese-like substance (shoutout to Super Sloppy Double Dare)
12)  Remove, let cool 5 minutes.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  Add fresh avocado & salsa, or vegan sour cream.  Also good alone, or with hot sauce.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Put the whole thing in a blender and add ice & 19 packets of Splenda.  Serve with a sprig of fresh mint & a pine tree car freshener.

MAKES FOOD FOR 4-6 PEOPLE, 2 HORSES OR 3 BUMPUS HOUNDS.

BON APETIT!!!

(photos coming when I learn how to use a camera/the internet)

So, what's the deal??

Being a vegetarian for 5 years or so and making the transition to vegan about 3 years ago, the most annoying question I get (in a strong field of annoying questions) is "How do you get your protein?". 

The thing is, if I never claimed to be vegan or vegetarian, and I looked pale and malnourished and all you ever saw me eating was a bread sandwich covered in breadcrumbs and snorting unbleached white flour through a hollowed-out breadstick, NOBODY WOULD SAY ANYTHING.  Nobody cares about the protein intake of their friends or family (blowjob-and-swallow-related reference unintended) and people generally use this faux concern as a mask for their irritating judgement.  I try not to preach to people, but if they ask me why I have made the choices I did, I will give an honest answer and not just say what they want me to say which is "I'm getting in touch with my inner hippy - haha!" or "I only like meat in my bum hole".  Fuck that.  We're all adults (unless you're under 18 of course lol).  If you want to make jokes or comments, I really don't mind, and I enjoy a good-natured ribbing, but for the love of fucking Christ, PLEASE be funny, or original.  I have heard the following at least 50 times each and they are just not very funny except to those who chuckle at the hilarious arab terrorist & racist jalapeno puppets voiced by Jeff Dunham:

"Yeah I'm a vegetarian too, I only eat vegetarian animals!"

"I'm a member of PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals!"

"Bacon is a vegetable HAHA!"

…etc, etc.  There will be more.  There are more but I think the first few comments I get will be fodder for my fury.  One of the reasons for this blog will be to post and respond to the buffoonery that I hear on a daily basis from type-2 diabetics doling out health advice. 

Another reason, the main reason, is to post actual recipes of actual food that I actually eat!  That shit sounds actual!!!  Everything I plan to post has been or will be tested on actual meat-eaters (and sometimes on fellow vegetarians and vegans, but there aren't many of us...)  There might even be research and data, but more likely just swearing. 

This blog will likely be confined to the tiny box of vegan food, like a veal calf struggling to turn its head, but may also include all of the other shit that pisses me off on a daily basis.  This will help me because I can take out my frustrations on my keyboard rather than my wife's left cheek, and will disprove the notion that all vegetarians are peace-loving pacifists.  Most of all I hope that whether you agree with me or not, you can enjoy some new culinary experiences and eavesdrop on the rantings of a crazy person.  More than likely, nobody will read this.  Either way, fuck you all and enjoy!!

Love,

The Author/Chef