A vegan in the US would typically find the most options among the foods of Asia. Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Burmese, and my favorite - Indian. I LOVE all of this food and have made a lot of it, but something about Indian food was always intimidating. For whatever reason, I have never made it outside of the shitty masala sauce in a jar from Trader Joe's and the various microwave versions (Amy's Samosa Wrap is actually fucking great). A while back I decided that I would not only make some delicious Indian food, but I would make multiple dishes and invite over some real live Indian friends to put it to the test (disclaimer - they are American born and had Taco Bell for dinner the night before). In an effort to make things difficult and set myself up for failure I attempted 4 dishes, all for the first time. One was a Tandoori Salmon that I made for my fish-killing wife and our terrorist-of-the-sea friends, so that one will be omitted. Even still, we have a 3-fer!!!
The Dishes: Coconut Rice, Aloo Gobi and Chana Masala.
COCONUT RICE:
This is a super easy improvement on regular steamed rice and takes almost as little effort to make. The coconut makes it seem like either you spent years at a tropical cooking school or used to sleep with Jimmy Superfly Snuka.
WHAT YOU NEED:
Coconut oil to grease the pan
2 cups jasmine or basmati rice
1 can coconut milk (about 2 cups)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tiger print men's Speedo
1 3/4 cup water
1 cinnamon stick
Optional:
1/4 cup toasted coconut shreds (just brown coconut flakes/shreds in a dry sautee pan)
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Grease a sauce pan with the coconut oil. This will help prevent the milk from sticking to the sides.
2) Add rice, coconut milk, cinnamon stick, salt & water to the pan, mix.
3) Turn up heat to medium high, stirring occasionally until just boiling
4) Turn the heat down to the lowest setting, cover with a tight lid & simmer 15-20 minutes or until most of the liquid is gone.
5) check out this tight lid
6) Once the milk/water has cooked away, remove from heat and let stand, covered, for another 5-10 minutes.
7) Remove cinnamon stick, place rice in serving bowl & top with toasted coconut. I would leave it on top rather than mix it in because some people have no soul and don't like the texture of coconut.
BONUS RECIPE - GINGER-GARLIC PASTE
This one is super easy. Just mix ginger & garlic in a 1-to-1 ratio with a little bit of oil. I find that using a small blender or a food processor works best. I can't say what brand since I don't do free endorsements here, but the one I use is very "magical" and it cuts through my prep time like a "bullet". For the recipies below, you probably need about a 4-inch piece of ginger (also probably the nickname for David Caruso's penis) and 6-8 cloves of garlic.
ALOO GOBI:
Aloo gobi is a fancy-sounding dish of potatoes & cauliflower which roughly translates to "Potatoes Cauliflower". In a country of 1,600 languages, millions of Gods, and about 5 last names, it's best to keep things simple.
WHAT YOU NEED:
1 head cauliflower, cut into small florets
2 russet potatoes, peeled & cut into 1/2 inch cubes
2 tbs peanut or canola oil
1 serrano pepper, minced
1 tsp cumin seeds
2 tbsp ginger-garlic paste
1 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/2 cup water
1 cup frozen peas
1 lemon
salt for seasoning
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Peel the potatoes and chop into 1/2 inch cubes. Cut the cauliflower into similar-sized florets.
2) Mix the ginger-garlic paste, coriander, turmeric and 1/2 cup of water. This is a typical "wet masala" sauce.
3) Go to Google, turn safe search to "off", look up "wet masala"
4) Delete browsing history
5) Heat the oil in a cast-iron skillet over medium heat
6) Add the serrano pepper for 30 seconds, then add the cumin seed for 1 minute or until fragrant
7) Add the "wet masala" sauce. It will sputter a bit but that's why you should already be wearing this.
8) When the sauce thickens a bit, add the potatoes and cauliflower and mix well to cover.
OPTIONAL: Preheat the oven to 400 and add the potato-cauliflower-masala mixture in the cast-iron skillet for 30 minutes, stir every 10 minutes. The roasting really brings out the flavor in the vegetables and you end up with a less moist version of the recipe, and all of the ladies in attendance will appreciate it if you are not able to comment on how moist everything is. Moist. If you do it this way, skip step #9.
9) add 1/2 cup water & cover with a lid, 10 minutes
10) Add the peas, keep covered 5 more minutes
11) Uncover, keep cooking until the potatoes & cauliflower are cooked through (5-10 minutes)
12) Add lemon juice, salt to taste and you're done.
CHANA MASALA:
Chana Masala is my favorite Indian dish. It's always chickpea and tomato based, but you can play around with the rest. It works great as a main dish with rice, and can also be used more creatively almost as a sauce to top another dish (curried mashed potatoes, etc). You'll see a lot of variation on this dish from chef to chef, and a lot of Indian people have told me that their mom makes the best Chana Masala, to which I respond - yeah, well YOUR MOM makes the best Chana Masala. Mine's good too.
WHAT YOU NEED:
1 tsp cumin seeds
1 small onion, diced
2 tbs canola oil
3 tbsp ginger-garlic paste
1 serrano pepper, minced
1 tsp coriander
1 tsp garam masala
1/4 tsp turmeric
1 tsp salt
2 cans garbanzo beans, drained
1 28-oz can diced tomatoes, plain preferred but roasted, garlic or whatever is fine. If all you have is diced tomatoes in Mountain Dew Code Red, you're fucked.
1/2 cup water
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Heat oil in saucepan or skillet, add cumin seed for about 1 minute
2) Add onion, serrano pepper and ginger-garlic paste, saute until soft. 6 minutes. 6 minutes. 6 minutes Doug-E-Fresh you're on.
3) Beatbox loudly for the remainder of the cooking time
4) Add coriander, garam masala, turmeric & salt to the onion mixture, stir and cook another minute
5) Add garbanzo beans, tomatoes & water
6) simmer about 20 minutes to blend flavors and thicken sauce a bit.
This is a great feast if you make all three but each recipe stands on its own. Invite over some friends of the ethnicity of your choice and enjoy!!
SERVING SUGGESTION:
Like I said, all three together are a tasty treat. All good things come in threes, if you think about it - Amigos, Musketeers, Stooges, Titties in "Total Recall"...so serve it that way. It's also important that you appropriately fuck with the spice to suit it to your tastes, the versions in the recipes above are on the mild side, because I have a bunch of giant pussies in my house that can't handle all this flava!! (points to crotch for an uncomfortably long amount of time)
SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:
Do not put it on a burner for like a half hour and stick it up your bum all slow like tsssss
Do not lay it on a dresser, just the Indian food on a dresser and bang it with a spiked bat
Do not stab it with a rusty screwdriver
Do not hang yourself by your dick from a 12-story window
Do not sew your bum closed and keep feeding yourself, and feeding yourself, and feeding yourself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEnwXYJcSZc
SERVES 6-8. MAKES GREAT LEFTOVERS.
