Mmmmmmm - bai!!!!

Hello food eaters!

A vegan in the US would typically find the most options among the foods of Asia.  Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Burmese, and my favorite - Indian.  I LOVE all of this food and have made a lot of it, but something about Indian food was always intimidating.  For whatever reason, I have never made it outside of the shitty masala sauce in a jar from Trader Joe's and the various microwave versions (Amy's Samosa Wrap is actually fucking great).  A while back I decided that I would not only make some delicious Indian food, but I would make multiple dishes and invite over some real live Indian friends to put it to the test (disclaimer - they are American born and had Taco Bell for dinner the night before).  In an effort to make things difficult and set myself up for failure I attempted 4 dishes, all for the first time.  One was a Tandoori Salmon that I made for my fish-killing wife and our terrorist-of-the-sea friends, so that one will be omitted.  Even still, we have a 3-fer!!!

The Dishes:  Coconut Rice, Aloo Gobi and Chana Masala.

COCONUT RICE:

This is a super easy improvement on regular steamed rice and takes almost as little effort to make.  The coconut makes it seem like either you spent years at a tropical cooking school or used to sleep with Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

WHAT YOU NEED:

Coconut oil to grease the pan
2 cups jasmine or basmati rice
1 can coconut milk (about 2 cups)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tiger print men's Speedo
1 3/4 cup water
1 cinnamon stick

Optional:
1/4 cup toasted coconut shreds (just brown coconut flakes/shreds in a dry sautee pan)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grease a sauce pan with the coconut oil.  This will help prevent the milk from sticking to the sides.
2)  Add rice, coconut milk, cinnamon stick, salt & water to the pan, mix.
3)  Turn up heat to medium high, stirring occasionally until just boiling
4)  Turn the heat down to the lowest setting, cover with a tight lid & simmer 15-20 minutes or until most of the liquid is gone.
5)  check out this tight lid
6)  Once the milk/water has cooked away, remove from heat and let stand, covered, for another 5-10 minutes.
7)  Remove cinnamon stick, place rice in serving bowl & top with toasted coconut.  I would leave it on top rather than mix it in because some people have no soul and don't like the texture of coconut.


BONUS RECIPE - GINGER-GARLIC PASTE

This one is super easy.  Just mix ginger & garlic in a 1-to-1 ratio with a little bit of oil.  I find that using a small blender or a food processor works best.  I can't say what brand since I don't do free endorsements here, but the one I use is very "magical" and it cuts through my prep time like a "bullet".  For the recipies below, you probably need about a 4-inch piece of ginger (also probably the nickname for David Caruso's penis) and 6-8 cloves of garlic.

ALOO GOBI:

Aloo gobi is a fancy-sounding dish of potatoes & cauliflower which roughly translates to "Potatoes Cauliflower".  In a country of 1,600 languages, millions of Gods, and about 5 last names, it's best to keep things simple.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 head cauliflower, cut into small florets
2 russet potatoes, peeled & cut into 1/2 inch cubes
2 tbs peanut or canola oil
1 serrano pepper, minced
1 tsp cumin seeds
2 tbsp ginger-garlic paste
1 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/2 cup water
1 cup frozen peas
1 lemon
salt for seasoning

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Peel the potatoes and chop into 1/2 inch cubes.  Cut the cauliflower into similar-sized florets.
2)  Mix the ginger-garlic paste, coriander, turmeric and 1/2 cup of water.  This is a typical "wet masala" sauce.
3)  Go to Google, turn safe search to "off", look up "wet masala"
4)  Delete browsing history
5)  Heat the oil in a cast-iron skillet over medium heat
6)  Add the serrano pepper for 30 seconds, then add the cumin seed for 1 minute or until fragrant
7)  Add the "wet masala" sauce.  It will sputter a bit but that's why you should already be wearing this.
8)  When the sauce thickens a bit, add the potatoes and cauliflower and mix well to cover.
OPTIONAL:  Preheat the oven to 400 and add the potato-cauliflower-masala mixture in the cast-iron skillet for 30 minutes, stir every 10 minutes.  The roasting really brings out the flavor in the vegetables and you end up with a less moist version of the recipe, and all of the ladies in attendance will appreciate it if you are not able to comment on how moist everything is.  Moist.  If you do it this way, skip step #9.
9)  add 1/2 cup water & cover with a lid, 10 minutes
10)  Add the peas, keep covered 5 more minutes
11)  Uncover, keep cooking until the potatoes & cauliflower are cooked through (5-10 minutes)
12)  Add lemon juice, salt to taste and you're done.


CHANA MASALA:

Chana Masala is my favorite Indian dish.  It's always chickpea and tomato based, but you can play around with the rest.  It works great as a main dish with rice, and can also be used more creatively almost as a sauce to top another dish (curried mashed potatoes, etc).  You'll see a lot of variation on this dish from chef to chef, and a lot of Indian people have told me that their mom makes the best Chana Masala, to which I  respond - yeah, well YOUR MOM makes the best Chana Masala.  Mine's good too.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 tsp cumin seeds
1 small onion, diced
2 tbs canola oil
3 tbsp ginger-garlic paste
1 serrano pepper, minced
1 tsp coriander
1 tsp garam masala
1/4 tsp turmeric
1 tsp salt
2 cans garbanzo beans, drained
1 28-oz can diced tomatoes, plain preferred but roasted, garlic or whatever is fine.  If all you have is diced tomatoes in Mountain Dew Code Red, you're fucked.
1/2 cup water

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Heat oil in saucepan or skillet, add cumin seed for about 1 minute
2)  Add onion, serrano pepper and ginger-garlic paste, saute until soft.  6 minutes.  6 minutes.  6 minutes Doug-E-Fresh you're on.
3)  Beatbox loudly for the remainder of the cooking time
4)  Add coriander, garam masala, turmeric & salt to the onion mixture, stir and cook another minute
5)  Add garbanzo beans, tomatoes & water
6)  simmer about 20 minutes to blend flavors and thicken sauce a bit.

This is a great feast if you make all three but each recipe stands on its own.  Invite over some friends of the ethnicity of your choice and enjoy!!

SERVING SUGGESTION:

Like I said, all three together are a tasty treat.  All good things come in threes, if you think about it - Amigos, Musketeers, Stooges, Titties in "Total Recall"...so serve it that way.  It's also important that you appropriately fuck with the spice to suit it to your tastes, the versions in the recipes above are on the mild side, because I have a bunch of giant pussies in my house that can't handle all this flava!! (points to crotch for an uncomfortably long amount of time)

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Do not put it on a burner for like a half hour and stick it up your bum all slow like tsssss
Do not lay it on a dresser, just the Indian food on a dresser and bang it with a spiked bat
Do not stab it with a rusty screwdriver
Do not hang yourself by your dick from a 12-story window
Do not sew your bum closed and keep feeding yourself, and feeding yourself, and feeding yourself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEnwXYJcSZc

SERVES 6-8.  MAKES GREAT LEFTOVERS.

Miso Corny, oh oh Miso Corny!!!!

School's out for the summer.  School's out forever (due to budgetary constraints).  School is out and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall, to get me a short set.  School is out and I can no longer legally look at most of the girls at the mall when I'm leaning against the wall next to Orange Julius in my trenchcoat at 2pm on a Tuesday....

Summer weather means summer events and summer foods.  If you're like me, you have a lot of barbecues to attend and a lot of anxiety about some asshole's giant tri-tip dominating the shared grill space and dripping dead cow blood on your pitiful Boca burger.  What's it like to attend a barbecue as a vegan?  Well there are a few approaches:

1)  Be invisible.  Eat beforehand, don't say anything, maybe grab some chips, maybe grab a soft drink, pretend to have fun, stuff your face with quinoa when you get home and Febreeze the beef smell out of your clothes. 

2)  Be the asshole.  This is when you act like every shitty sitcom's "vegetarian" character.  Make it known that you don't eat meat, tell people annoying statistics about heart disease, say the word "Monsanto" a lot, dramatically keep your food away from others, judge them, be judged, don't get invited back. 

3)  Show them what you got.  Go get 'em, Tiger.  Read them the old riot act.  Make something to share that you can eat that they can enjoy as well.  Fake versions of animal products are never popular among the carnivorous, nor should they be.  I tend to eat some "replacement" products (chik'n nuggets, faux gras, unreal veal, SOYlent Green, etc.) but they are an imitation.  We all know that imitations suck, except Frank Caliendo, 'cause LOL at his John Madden.  Make the real deal, make it with common ingredients, don't make a point to tell everyone that it's vegan.  Just lay it out there and see what happens.  People will learn to accept that there are viable menu options that don't involve animal slaughter or titty-stroking and you will get less and less shit from your friends to the point that after 5 years or so, your veganism will only be like 85% of the conversation at every fucking meal. 

In the spirit of number 3 - I present to you my "Miso Corny Summertime Salad, With Special Guests!!"

WHAT YOU NEED:

4 ears of fresh corn.  (If you use canned or frozen corn, that's fine, but just know you're a lazy bum)
1 can of black beans
1 large red Heirloom tomato (again, regular tomatoes are fine, but you're only cheating yourself)
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup mellow white miso (this is the only "strange" ingredient here, but it's common enough that it's available at most grocery stores, refrigerated near the tofu.  It keeps for a long time and has many uses.)
1 tsp agave nectar
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
Cayenne or white pepper or both, to taste.  Black pepper too.  Fucking Dr. Pepper, I don't care about you.  
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (optional)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grill the corn or roast it in the oven.  For grilling, just pop on the grill, in the husk, turning occasionally, about 20-25 minutes.  Some say to soak beforehand but I see it as an unnecessary step.  It comes out fine either way.  To roast in the oven, preheat to 350 and place, in the husk, on the middle rack for 30 minutes.  When done, cut off the cob and add to a large bowl. 
2)  Drain & heat up the beans a bit.  I rinse them here too because bean juice is kind of grody and if you're Instagramming your meal, which you all do, it helps keep the color nice.  Place in the corn bowl when done. 
3)  Chop the tomato into 1/4 inch-ish pieces.  Mix with the corn and beans.  Place the bowl in the fridge. 
4)  Place dressing ingredients in a blender or, my preference, a cup or bowl and blend with an immersion (stick) blender.  To recap, this is the lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, miso, agave nectar, paprika, jalapeno, and garlic.  Blend until smooth.  Like, Santana and Rob Thomas smooth. 
5)  Taste the dressing for spice.  The raw garlic and jalapeno make it pretty spicy but if you're trying to be all badass and stuff, add some cayenne.  If making a large batch for mixed company, keep it on the milder side. 
6)  Add about half of the dressing to the corn mixture and mix.  It should coat but not overwhelm.  Keep the remaining dressing on the side in case people want more.  Offer the cilantro on the side to those who have actual reasonable human taste buds and enjoy the refreshing light spice of cilantro. 
7)  Sit back and watch the barbecue invitations roll in (if they don't, it's not the salad's fault, it's because you tried to make out with your aunt at the last one.  Remember that?  Yeah.  So maybe ease up on the Zima)

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This really goes great as a side dish with anything.  We had it tonight alongside tacos, but it's great with anything on the grill, and can even make a great light meal on its own.  This has always been a hit and I would recommend doubling or tripling the recipe because it goes fast. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Fill a bowl and walk into a large ethnically-mixed cookout.  Walk up to all the black people and pull the beans out of your bowl as you tell them "I'm making this better!".  Repeat with the corn for Asian people, and the tomatoes for bald white people with sunburns.  Look down at your empty bowl, realize you are out of food and out of friends, starve to death and die.  Nobody will come to your funeral, save for the 3 white supremacists who remembered their SPF 50, and they're just coming because they heard your aunt's a slut. 

SERVES 4-6 AS A SIDE.  MORE IF YOU MAKE MORE.  KEEPS WELL FOR 4-5 DAYS.

Summer Funtime Watermelon Arugula Basil Salad Funtime!!

Hey Folks!!

It's been a while since I have had a chance to slave over a hot stove in the kitchen and then slave over a hot computer keyboard and then slave over the part of my brain that hates everything I ever say or write.  Fortunately, I just made a delicious summer dish and had to pound a venti iced coffee at 5pm like an idiot and my wife is currently monopolizing the TV with one of her 9 favorite celebrity competition shows (I think this one has to do with high dives and, hopefully, a waterless swimming pool), so now's as good a time as ever to get my bloggy-blogg on!!

It's important to note that this recipe was adapted from Bryant Terry's brilliant "Vegan Soul Kitchen" book which I would recommend for purchase to anyone who enjoys vegan cooking, soul food, or who thinks that their cookbooks could use a black friend. 

Enough small talk, we didn't come here to make friends (unless you did, please be my friend.  @kodiakjackson on Instagram and Twitter and also I will send you my address and come pick you up to hang out and pay for everything, just please love me)...

Here's the dish - Watermelon, Arugula & Basil Salad.  Watermelon makes me think of one thing: summer.  Partially because I grew up when it was only available for about 6 weeks a year and partially because I'm not racist and I don't associate watermelon with any type of person (but we all know who I'm talking about - cough - Belgians - cough).  Because of the beautiful global economy we live in, you can get watermelon nearly year round, which is a wonderful concession to the underclass from our reptilian overlords who, through vaccinations and microchips plan to reduce the world population to 200 million so that we may be more easily managed as slaves.  What the illuminati and the common man CAN agree on is that watermelon, basil and arugula make a wonderful threesome, with watermelon on top, basil working the balls, and arugula just laying there.

 

WHAT YOU NEED:

About 5 cups fresh watermelon, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar (available in health food stores or your hippy friend's medicine cabinet)
1/4 tsp Dijon mustard
1 hilarious Grey Poupon joke
2 tbs minced fresh basil
1/2 tsp kosher sea salt (salt mined on the Sabbath is okay, but don't blame me when you're left behind during the rapture)
4 tbs olive oil
white pepper
4 cups arugula, torn (or as my friend Giorgio suggested, "Natalie Arugula")
1/2 cup toasted peanuts

WHAT YOU DO:

1. Put about 1 cup of the watermelon into a blender.  Blend and then strain to get the juice.  The solids can be composted, thrown out or rubbed on dry skin to make it sticky AND dry. 
2. Place the remaining watermelon, 1/4 cup of the basil and the lemon juice into a bowl.  Toss, cover and refrigerate while the rest is prepared. 
3. Heat the watermelon juice in a small saucepan on high until boiling, and then simmer to reduce, about 8-10 minutes.  The juice should become a darker red and sweeter. 
4. When the juice is reduced, put in a blender to cool a bit.  Add the vinegar, basil, Dijon and salt.  Make another Grey Poupon joke for good measure. 
5. Blend the dressing ingredients together and add the olive oil bit by bit.  Add white pepper to taste.  It should taste like a sweeter balsamic vinaigrette with a watermelon feel appeal to it, smoothed out on the basil tip. 
6. Listen to "Motownphilly" for no reason other than to make your day way better.
7. Toss the arugula in some of the dressing, to coat it lightly.  (In my experience there is more dressing than you need but it's great to have leftover because outside of the dressing this recipe is so easy even a post-head injury celebrity high diver could make it)
8. Top the arugula with the watermelon chunks and toasted peanuts.  Add dressing to taste.  It does not necessarily have to be peanuts, whatever you have around.  As my mom used to say, "any nut will do".  Wait..no...YOUR mom said that.  Fuck.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a wonderful main dish, but if you're concerned about it not being a full meal, it's great on the side with veggie burgers or chili.  It's a great compliment to spicy food.  It be like "Hey spicy food, did it hurt?  When you fell from heaven?" and then spicy food be all like "awwww, that's sweet" and then they fuck. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Purchase a $4,000 all-white suit and give it to an albino.  At gunpoint, force the albino to eat 12 servings of this salad with no utensils or napkins.  Release the watermelon-stained white-on-white-on-white albino into the zoo habitat of a type of ape that is only sexually attracted to the color pink.  Watch them fall in love.  Invite pink albino and ape-wife to your next dinner party and argue with them about the movie "Congo".  Get punched by the ape-wife for your insensitive Amy impression.

SERVES 4 AS A MAIN DISH, SERVES 6-8 AS A SIDE.