I have avoided Italian food to this point because everything seems so boring and so easy (sorry Italian people! I still think you're great except for most of you!). I have a go-to quickie pasta dish that's always a hit at home, but not blog-worthy. So what I like to do, now that we have a demanding 2 year-old running around the house, is make things more complicated. This is actually a fairly simple dish, it's just the matter of stuffing the shells and popping it in the oven, oh and also you have to create enough simple and non-disastrous tasks so that the 2-year old can feel like she's helping, and no matter what you do you'll have to take your eyes off of her for 4 seconds and she'll dump her beta fish and all of his water into your mail drawer. Dick.
WHAT YOU NEED:
1 box large shells
1 bunch kale (other greens such as chard or spinach would work as well)
1 package firm tofu (silken is fine too but a little softer)
1 tbs olive oil
3 large cloves garlic
1 can cannellini beans
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup nutritional yeast (this adds to the cheezy flavor)
The juice of one lemon
The blood of one virgin (optional, for purposes of virgin sacrifice, hand stuff doesn't count but oral takes them off the list)
black pepper
fresh or dried italian herbs (optional)
marinara sauce (preferably jazzed-up)
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Cook shells according to package instructions (about 9 minutes or so, the package should tell you how long to cook them for, unless you bought some underground black market pasta shells with no packaging, in which case may almighty Allah have mercy on your soul) Preheat oven to 400.
2) rinse & chop the greens, add to saute pan on medium heat with the olive oil.
3) cook greens until wilted, add garlic and beans, cook for 2-3 more minutes until flavors are combined
4) While the greens mixture is cooking: drain and crumble/mash tofu - it should resemble the texture of ricotta, in a large mixing bowl
5) Add salt, nutritional yeast, lemon juice and herbs to tofu and mix well
6) When greens/beans are cooked, combine with tofu mixture and stir well, let cool for a couple minutes until you can handle it.
7) Optional: I like to add things to the sauce, you can go as fancy as you want, but a decent-quality jar of pasta sauce can be made baller as fuck by adding some cooked vegan sausage and bell peppers and onions. The dish stands on its own regardless but it's a nice touch.
8) Pour a bit of the sauce to just cover the bottom of a large glass baking pan, and Stuff the shells with a heaping spoonful of the mixture, arrange on the pan. They can be touching each other and in my experience you have enough to cover the bottom of the pan and then have a few more on top. There will be some broken shells and you'll end up tossing a few, because fuck starving people.
9) Cover the top with the remaining sauce and cover with foil. Bake at 400 for 30 minutes. Let cool a few minutes and serve. Great with red pepper flakes or lemon pepper.
Some people are assholes and they don't appreciate a single-dish meal, so sometimes it's nice to add a veggie on the side, especially one that's easy to cook and looks super impressive. Also one that you can make sound more fun by slightly changing its name, so check out the "PARTY-Chokes!!!":
WHAT YOU NEED:
2-3 large artichokes
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, minced
Italian herbs, oregano, parsley, thyme, etc
Band-Aids for all the fucking artichoke spikes. Asshole vegetable.
2 lemons, cut into wedges
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Cut off the top 1/2 inch or so of the artichokes, cut them in half lengthwise and scoop out all the bullshit. There are a lot of spiky leaves that look like flower petals inside and some other fuzzy stuff. Get rid of all of it, it's not good and if you eat it it will haunt your throat forever.
2) Place the artichokes cut-side down in a steamer basket in a large pot and steam for 20 minutes or so. It's really the steaming that does most of the cooking and the grill just finishes off the end to make it look fancy, like when a lady of the evening is supposed to be giving a "blowjob" but really does most of the work with her hands even though you paid her the 85 bucks you agreed on and now you can't buy Christmas presents for your kids.
3) Turn on your grill
4) In a small saucepan over medium-low heat, add the oil until heated a bit and then add the garlic and herbs. This will blend the flavors into the oil and make it seem like you went to a fancy cooking school and not just DeVry for air conditioner repair.
5) When the artichokes have been steamed, drizzle or brush the oil mixture on the cut sides of the artichokes, and place on the grill cut-side down.
6) Grill for 5-10 minutes, you'll be able to see when they're done, they will look grilled but not burnt
7) Serve with lemon wedges. There will inevitably be some asshole who wants mayonnaise, tell him to go fuck himself.
SERVING SUGGESTION:
This is a pretty great meal on its own, maybe add a green salad and some bread to make your friends and family they're at a good version of the Olive Garden. You can stuff the shells the night before so you can just pop it in the oven to make the meal super easy. Goes great with wine, beer, vodka, or a nice glass of Triple Sec. Any alcohol really. Rubbing? Fine. Whatever I need a drink.
SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:
Grab the grilled artichokes by the stem, shout "GAME OF THRONES!!" and stab random people with the spiky end. Make sure you stab the right person so you really get in trouble. Plead guilty to assault with a vegetable, make sure you also admit to all the other bad shit you've done in your life. Get sentenced to prison. Keep your head down, stick with your race and make friends with the right people. Learn to make wine out of your pee. Do a favor for the leader of the white supremacist gang, get a cushy job working at the mess hall. Offer to make your famous vegan stuffed shells dish for the entire prison. Make sure the warden's plate has $50 bills stuffed into the shells. Be aware that S.S. Dave has a gluten allergy. You're the king of the prison. You're on top of the world. Let it go to your head. Forget to wear your phone book armor one day. Get shanked. Die in a pool of blood and glory. You should have gone to Olive Garden...
SERVES 6 COMFORTABLY. MAYBE 8 IF YOU'RE NOT FAT FUCKS LIKE ME.
