Pumpkin French Toast. Easy as shit!! No, easy as pie! I should have said pie!!!

Sticking with the fall vegetable theme, and wanting to get another recipe on the books before I leave for vacation this weekend, I have to let you all in on my all-time favorite, and one of the simplest creations I have come up with.

Sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning, ready for some football and couch-laying, with a desire for nothing more than alcohol-soaking carbs.  I used to roll out of bed at 9:56, with just enough time to set my fantasy lineups and pour a strong Kahlua and coffee before spending the next 9 hours watching a bunch of millionaires in tight pants pile onto each other while fighting over leather.  You know, MAN stuff.

Now I have a baby.  And while she is the absolute love of my life, blah blah blah, she wakes up at the pusscrack of dawn every morning so my Sundays start before the Sun's Sunday does.  This means I have time to kill and time to figure out how to make the world better.  I present to you Pumpkin French Toast:

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 Loaf of French bread.  The bakery kind.  A benefit of being up at 5:30am is that this is fresh.  Makes all the difference in the world.
1 cup of pureed pumpkin (not the pie mix.  As Randy Moss would say, "Straight squash, homie.")
1 cup of unflavored Rice Milk
2 tbs brown sugar
1 accompanying D'Angelo video (that boy FOINE!!)
2 pinches cinnamon
2 pinches nutmeg
2 pinches cloves
2 pinches salt
(If you're having trouble with a "pinch", it's like 1/8 tsp for 2 pinches.  Just put some.  Some.  If you fuck it up, it's on you.)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Butter or spray for the pan

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Slice bread into thickish slices.  About 1/2 inch each.
2)  Heat a skillet to medium-high
3)  Try not to think about having sex with D'Angelo
4)  Mix all ingredients, pumpkin, milk, sugar, salt, vanilla & spices in a bowl with a whisk or a blender if you prefer.
5)  Pour the mix on a flattish surface.  Cover the bread in the mix by plopping (science) it down on the mix on each side.  You don't want it soaked and you don't want it dripping off.  Pumpkin should cover the surface.
6)  Put butter/spray on the skillet and cook on each side for about 2 minutes and then flip.  Repeat.  Best to eyeball them, you'll be able to tell when they're done.
7)  I like to have the oven on like 200 and put the finished slices on a cookie tray to keep them warm.  If you have a fancy warming tray that works too.  Or everyone doesn't have to eat at once.  Serve and enjoy.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  This is good on its own or with some fruit and maybe a piece of veggie sausage.  Maple syrup (authentic, not that plastic-ass Log Cabin bullshit).

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Stuff all slices into a Jack-O-Lantern.  Add a large Jesus candle, light.  Once the Christ-wax has sufficiently covered the french toast, throw it off an overpass at the first Porsche Cayenne you see.  Go home and have some Apple Jacks.

SERVES 4-5.  ALSO KEEPS WELL AND CAN BE RE-HEATED.

PICTURE COMING SOON.

Sweet Potato, Kale & Black Bean Enchiladas - ON CRACK!!!

YAY YAY YAY IT'S THE FIRST RECIPE Y'ALL!!!

So the other night I wanted to make something delicious that incorporated my favorite fall flavors.  Unfortunately, Pumpkin Spice lattes, NFL Football and hard nipples in sweaters don't a vegan meal make, so I had to go for plan B - Sweet Potatoes.

The history of the sweet potato in America is probably interesting.  Haven't looked it up.  Another fave, kale, which is basically essential in half of my meals, had to be involved, and of course, we needed black beans 'cause farting.  Without further delay - here we go:

WHAT YOU NEED:

Enchilada Sauce:

1 15 oz can of tomato sauce or diced tomatoes
1 3/4 cups veggie broth.  For those too lazy to measure, just pretty much refill the empty tomato can.
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 backup teaspoon, 'cause damn you're using that motherfucker a lot!!
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp hot sauce, or to taste
salt to taste

Enchilada Filling:

1 super large sweet potato/yam, diced into 1/4 in cubes (about 3 cups)
1 bunch green kale, washed and torn into bite-size pieces
1 15 oz can black beans
1 poblano pepper
1/2 medium yellow onion, diced
1 tbs oil.  I use peanut, but not essential.  Just don't use Castrol 10W30 or V05 Hot Oil. 
Salt & pepper to taste

Other Shit:

Corn tortillas (about 8, see what will fit your casserole dish)
Daiya vegan cheese (or none, or regular cheese 'cause fuck me, right?)
A casserole dish.

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cover the diced sweet potatoes in water, bring to a boil.  Boil about 10 minutes or so after the water starts boiling, until they are tender.  And say the word "boil" a lot.
2)  Prep the veggies while this is cooking, combine all ingredients for the sauce in a saucepan & bring to a boil.  Lower heat & simmer until flavors are combined & liquid is reduced a bit.
3)  Heat oil in a saute pan, add onion & pepper.  Once softened, add kale.  Cook until kale is wilted.
4)  Preheat oven to 350 - probably the right time for this.
5)  Add beans & cooked potatoes to kale mixture, season with salt & pepper to taste. 
6)  Lightly grease the casserole dish with cooking spray or by rubbing it against the hair of a Def Leppard roadie.  Add about 1/2 cup sauce to the bottom of the dish.
7)  Cook tortillas for a minute or so on each side in a frying pan to soften.  Dunk in the sauce & layer the bottom of the dish.
8)  Scoop a healthy layer of the filling over the tortillas.  Almost to the top of the pan or until you run out.  If it goes over you fucked up and now you have to eat off the floor.
9)  Repeat tortilla cooking/sauce dunking to create a top layer.  If you copy Dee Brown's winning dunk from the 1991 Slam Dunk Contest the food will taste 1,000 times better. 
10)  Top with cheese, put in the oven for 15 minutes.
11)  Change oven to broil, cook for 5 more minutes to melt cheese or cheese-like substance (shoutout to Super Sloppy Double Dare)
12)  Remove, let cool 5 minutes.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  Add fresh avocado & salsa, or vegan sour cream.  Also good alone, or with hot sauce.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Put the whole thing in a blender and add ice & 19 packets of Splenda.  Serve with a sprig of fresh mint & a pine tree car freshener.

MAKES FOOD FOR 4-6 PEOPLE, 2 HORSES OR 3 BUMPUS HOUNDS.

BON APETIT!!!

(photos coming when I learn how to use a camera/the internet)

So, what's the deal??

Being a vegetarian for 5 years or so and making the transition to vegan about 3 years ago, the most annoying question I get (in a strong field of annoying questions) is "How do you get your protein?". 

The thing is, if I never claimed to be vegan or vegetarian, and I looked pale and malnourished and all you ever saw me eating was a bread sandwich covered in breadcrumbs and snorting unbleached white flour through a hollowed-out breadstick, NOBODY WOULD SAY ANYTHING.  Nobody cares about the protein intake of their friends or family (blowjob-and-swallow-related reference unintended) and people generally use this faux concern as a mask for their irritating judgement.  I try not to preach to people, but if they ask me why I have made the choices I did, I will give an honest answer and not just say what they want me to say which is "I'm getting in touch with my inner hippy - haha!" or "I only like meat in my bum hole".  Fuck that.  We're all adults (unless you're under 18 of course lol).  If you want to make jokes or comments, I really don't mind, and I enjoy a good-natured ribbing, but for the love of fucking Christ, PLEASE be funny, or original.  I have heard the following at least 50 times each and they are just not very funny except to those who chuckle at the hilarious arab terrorist & racist jalapeno puppets voiced by Jeff Dunham:

"Yeah I'm a vegetarian too, I only eat vegetarian animals!"

"I'm a member of PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals!"

"Bacon is a vegetable HAHA!"

…etc, etc.  There will be more.  There are more but I think the first few comments I get will be fodder for my fury.  One of the reasons for this blog will be to post and respond to the buffoonery that I hear on a daily basis from type-2 diabetics doling out health advice. 

Another reason, the main reason, is to post actual recipes of actual food that I actually eat!  That shit sounds actual!!!  Everything I plan to post has been or will be tested on actual meat-eaters (and sometimes on fellow vegetarians and vegans, but there aren't many of us...)  There might even be research and data, but more likely just swearing. 

This blog will likely be confined to the tiny box of vegan food, like a veal calf struggling to turn its head, but may also include all of the other shit that pisses me off on a daily basis.  This will help me because I can take out my frustrations on my keyboard rather than my wife's left cheek, and will disprove the notion that all vegetarians are peace-loving pacifists.  Most of all I hope that whether you agree with me or not, you can enjoy some new culinary experiences and eavesdrop on the rantings of a crazy person.  More than likely, nobody will read this.  Either way, fuck you all and enjoy!!

Love,

The Author/Chef