Miso Corny, oh oh Miso Corny!!!!

School's out for the summer.  School's out forever (due to budgetary constraints).  School is out and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall, to get me a short set.  School is out and I can no longer legally look at most of the girls at the mall when I'm leaning against the wall next to Orange Julius in my trenchcoat at 2pm on a Tuesday....

Summer weather means summer events and summer foods.  If you're like me, you have a lot of barbecues to attend and a lot of anxiety about some asshole's giant tri-tip dominating the shared grill space and dripping dead cow blood on your pitiful Boca burger.  What's it like to attend a barbecue as a vegan?  Well there are a few approaches:

1)  Be invisible.  Eat beforehand, don't say anything, maybe grab some chips, maybe grab a soft drink, pretend to have fun, stuff your face with quinoa when you get home and Febreeze the beef smell out of your clothes. 

2)  Be the asshole.  This is when you act like every shitty sitcom's "vegetarian" character.  Make it known that you don't eat meat, tell people annoying statistics about heart disease, say the word "Monsanto" a lot, dramatically keep your food away from others, judge them, be judged, don't get invited back. 

3)  Show them what you got.  Go get 'em, Tiger.  Read them the old riot act.  Make something to share that you can eat that they can enjoy as well.  Fake versions of animal products are never popular among the carnivorous, nor should they be.  I tend to eat some "replacement" products (chik'n nuggets, faux gras, unreal veal, SOYlent Green, etc.) but they are an imitation.  We all know that imitations suck, except Frank Caliendo, 'cause LOL at his John Madden.  Make the real deal, make it with common ingredients, don't make a point to tell everyone that it's vegan.  Just lay it out there and see what happens.  People will learn to accept that there are viable menu options that don't involve animal slaughter or titty-stroking and you will get less and less shit from your friends to the point that after 5 years or so, your veganism will only be like 85% of the conversation at every fucking meal. 

In the spirit of number 3 - I present to you my "Miso Corny Summertime Salad, With Special Guests!!"

WHAT YOU NEED:

4 ears of fresh corn.  (If you use canned or frozen corn, that's fine, but just know you're a lazy bum)
1 can of black beans
1 large red Heirloom tomato (again, regular tomatoes are fine, but you're only cheating yourself)
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup mellow white miso (this is the only "strange" ingredient here, but it's common enough that it's available at most grocery stores, refrigerated near the tofu.  It keeps for a long time and has many uses.)
1 tsp agave nectar
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
Cayenne or white pepper or both, to taste.  Black pepper too.  Fucking Dr. Pepper, I don't care about you.  
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (optional)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grill the corn or roast it in the oven.  For grilling, just pop on the grill, in the husk, turning occasionally, about 20-25 minutes.  Some say to soak beforehand but I see it as an unnecessary step.  It comes out fine either way.  To roast in the oven, preheat to 350 and place, in the husk, on the middle rack for 30 minutes.  When done, cut off the cob and add to a large bowl. 
2)  Drain & heat up the beans a bit.  I rinse them here too because bean juice is kind of grody and if you're Instagramming your meal, which you all do, it helps keep the color nice.  Place in the corn bowl when done. 
3)  Chop the tomato into 1/4 inch-ish pieces.  Mix with the corn and beans.  Place the bowl in the fridge. 
4)  Place dressing ingredients in a blender or, my preference, a cup or bowl and blend with an immersion (stick) blender.  To recap, this is the lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, miso, agave nectar, paprika, jalapeno, and garlic.  Blend until smooth.  Like, Santana and Rob Thomas smooth. 
5)  Taste the dressing for spice.  The raw garlic and jalapeno make it pretty spicy but if you're trying to be all badass and stuff, add some cayenne.  If making a large batch for mixed company, keep it on the milder side. 
6)  Add about half of the dressing to the corn mixture and mix.  It should coat but not overwhelm.  Keep the remaining dressing on the side in case people want more.  Offer the cilantro on the side to those who have actual reasonable human taste buds and enjoy the refreshing light spice of cilantro. 
7)  Sit back and watch the barbecue invitations roll in (if they don't, it's not the salad's fault, it's because you tried to make out with your aunt at the last one.  Remember that?  Yeah.  So maybe ease up on the Zima)

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This really goes great as a side dish with anything.  We had it tonight alongside tacos, but it's great with anything on the grill, and can even make a great light meal on its own.  This has always been a hit and I would recommend doubling or tripling the recipe because it goes fast. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Fill a bowl and walk into a large ethnically-mixed cookout.  Walk up to all the black people and pull the beans out of your bowl as you tell them "I'm making this better!".  Repeat with the corn for Asian people, and the tomatoes for bald white people with sunburns.  Look down at your empty bowl, realize you are out of food and out of friends, starve to death and die.  Nobody will come to your funeral, save for the 3 white supremacists who remembered their SPF 50, and they're just coming because they heard your aunt's a slut. 

SERVES 4-6 AS A SIDE.  MORE IF YOU MAKE MORE.  KEEPS WELL FOR 4-5 DAYS.

Summer Funtime Watermelon Arugula Basil Salad Funtime!!

Hey Folks!!

It's been a while since I have had a chance to slave over a hot stove in the kitchen and then slave over a hot computer keyboard and then slave over the part of my brain that hates everything I ever say or write.  Fortunately, I just made a delicious summer dish and had to pound a venti iced coffee at 5pm like an idiot and my wife is currently monopolizing the TV with one of her 9 favorite celebrity competition shows (I think this one has to do with high dives and, hopefully, a waterless swimming pool), so now's as good a time as ever to get my bloggy-blogg on!!

It's important to note that this recipe was adapted from Bryant Terry's brilliant "Vegan Soul Kitchen" book which I would recommend for purchase to anyone who enjoys vegan cooking, soul food, or who thinks that their cookbooks could use a black friend. 

Enough small talk, we didn't come here to make friends (unless you did, please be my friend.  @kodiakjackson on Instagram and Twitter and also I will send you my address and come pick you up to hang out and pay for everything, just please love me)...

Here's the dish - Watermelon, Arugula & Basil Salad.  Watermelon makes me think of one thing: summer.  Partially because I grew up when it was only available for about 6 weeks a year and partially because I'm not racist and I don't associate watermelon with any type of person (but we all know who I'm talking about - cough - Belgians - cough).  Because of the beautiful global economy we live in, you can get watermelon nearly year round, which is a wonderful concession to the underclass from our reptilian overlords who, through vaccinations and microchips plan to reduce the world population to 200 million so that we may be more easily managed as slaves.  What the illuminati and the common man CAN agree on is that watermelon, basil and arugula make a wonderful threesome, with watermelon on top, basil working the balls, and arugula just laying there.

 

WHAT YOU NEED:

About 5 cups fresh watermelon, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar (available in health food stores or your hippy friend's medicine cabinet)
1/4 tsp Dijon mustard
1 hilarious Grey Poupon joke
2 tbs minced fresh basil
1/2 tsp kosher sea salt (salt mined on the Sabbath is okay, but don't blame me when you're left behind during the rapture)
4 tbs olive oil
white pepper
4 cups arugula, torn (or as my friend Giorgio suggested, "Natalie Arugula")
1/2 cup toasted peanuts

WHAT YOU DO:

1. Put about 1 cup of the watermelon into a blender.  Blend and then strain to get the juice.  The solids can be composted, thrown out or rubbed on dry skin to make it sticky AND dry. 
2. Place the remaining watermelon, 1/4 cup of the basil and the lemon juice into a bowl.  Toss, cover and refrigerate while the rest is prepared. 
3. Heat the watermelon juice in a small saucepan on high until boiling, and then simmer to reduce, about 8-10 minutes.  The juice should become a darker red and sweeter. 
4. When the juice is reduced, put in a blender to cool a bit.  Add the vinegar, basil, Dijon and salt.  Make another Grey Poupon joke for good measure. 
5. Blend the dressing ingredients together and add the olive oil bit by bit.  Add white pepper to taste.  It should taste like a sweeter balsamic vinaigrette with a watermelon feel appeal to it, smoothed out on the basil tip. 
6. Listen to "Motownphilly" for no reason other than to make your day way better.
7. Toss the arugula in some of the dressing, to coat it lightly.  (In my experience there is more dressing than you need but it's great to have leftover because outside of the dressing this recipe is so easy even a post-head injury celebrity high diver could make it)
8. Top the arugula with the watermelon chunks and toasted peanuts.  Add dressing to taste.  It does not necessarily have to be peanuts, whatever you have around.  As my mom used to say, "any nut will do".  Wait..no...YOUR mom said that.  Fuck.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a wonderful main dish, but if you're concerned about it not being a full meal, it's great on the side with veggie burgers or chili.  It's a great compliment to spicy food.  It be like "Hey spicy food, did it hurt?  When you fell from heaven?" and then spicy food be all like "awwww, that's sweet" and then they fuck. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Purchase a $4,000 all-white suit and give it to an albino.  At gunpoint, force the albino to eat 12 servings of this salad with no utensils or napkins.  Release the watermelon-stained white-on-white-on-white albino into the zoo habitat of a type of ape that is only sexually attracted to the color pink.  Watch them fall in love.  Invite pink albino and ape-wife to your next dinner party and argue with them about the movie "Congo".  Get punched by the ape-wife for your insensitive Amy impression.

SERVES 4 AS A MAIN DISH, SERVES 6-8 AS A SIDE.