Tofu Ricotta stuffed shells with beans n' greens and PARTY-chokes!!!!

Eyyyyyy!!  I got your protein right here!!!!!

I have avoided Italian food to this point because everything seems so boring and so easy (sorry Italian people!  I still think you're great except for most of you!).  I have a go-to quickie pasta dish that's always a hit at home, but not blog-worthy.  So what I like to do, now that we have a demanding 2 year-old running around the house, is make things more complicated.  This is actually a fairly simple dish, it's just the matter of stuffing the shells and popping it in the oven, oh and also you have to create enough simple and non-disastrous tasks so that the 2-year old can feel like she's helping, and no matter what you do you'll have to take your eyes off of her for 4 seconds and she'll dump her beta fish and all of his water into your mail drawer.  Dick.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 box large shells
1 bunch kale (other greens such as chard or spinach would work as well)
1 package firm tofu (silken is fine too but a little softer)
1 tbs olive oil
3 large cloves garlic
1 can cannellini beans
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup nutritional yeast (this adds to the cheezy flavor)
The juice of one lemon
The blood of one virgin (optional, for purposes of virgin sacrifice, hand stuff doesn't count but oral takes them off the list)
black pepper
fresh or dried italian herbs (optional)
marinara sauce (preferably jazzed-up)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cook shells according to package instructions (about 9 minutes or so, the package should tell you how long to cook them for, unless you bought some underground black market pasta shells with no packaging, in which case may almighty Allah have mercy on your soul)  Preheat oven to 400.
2)  rinse & chop the greens, add to saute pan on medium heat with the olive oil.
3)  cook greens until wilted, add garlic and beans, cook for 2-3 more minutes until flavors are combined
4)  While the greens mixture is cooking: drain and crumble/mash tofu - it should resemble the texture of ricotta, in a large mixing bowl
5)  Add salt, nutritional yeast, lemon juice and herbs to tofu and mix well
6)  When greens/beans are cooked, combine with tofu mixture and stir well, let cool for a couple minutes until you can handle it.
7)  Optional:  I like to add things to the sauce, you can go as fancy as you want, but a decent-quality jar of pasta sauce can be made baller as fuck by adding some cooked vegan sausage and bell peppers and onions.  The dish stands on its own regardless but it's a nice touch.
8)  Pour a bit of the sauce to just cover the bottom of a large glass baking pan, and Stuff the shells with a heaping spoonful of the mixture, arrange on the pan.  They can be touching each other and in my experience you have enough to cover the bottom of the pan and then have a few more on top.  There will be some broken shells and you'll end up tossing a few, because fuck starving people.
9)  Cover the top with the remaining sauce and cover with foil.  Bake at 400 for 30 minutes.  Let cool a few minutes and serve.  Great with red pepper flakes or lemon pepper.

Some people are assholes and they don't appreciate a single-dish meal, so sometimes it's nice to add a veggie on the side, especially one that's easy to cook and looks super impressive.  Also one that you can make sound more fun by slightly changing its name, so check out the "PARTY-Chokes!!!":

WHAT YOU NEED:

2-3 large artichokes
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, minced
Italian herbs, oregano, parsley, thyme, etc
Band-Aids for all the fucking artichoke spikes.  Asshole vegetable.
2 lemons, cut into wedges

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cut off the top 1/2 inch or so of the artichokes, cut them in half lengthwise and scoop out all the bullshit.  There are a lot of spiky leaves that look like flower petals inside and some other fuzzy stuff.  Get rid of all of it, it's not good and if you eat it it will haunt your throat forever.
2)  Place the artichokes cut-side down in a steamer basket in a large pot and steam for 20 minutes or so.  It's really the steaming that does most of the cooking and the grill just finishes off the end to make it look fancy, like when a lady of the evening is supposed to be giving a "blowjob" but really does most of the work with her hands even though you paid her the 85 bucks you agreed on and now you can't buy Christmas presents for your kids.
3)  Turn on your grill
4)  In a small saucepan over medium-low heat, add the oil until heated a bit and then add the garlic and herbs.  This will blend the flavors into the oil and make it seem like you went to a fancy cooking school and not just DeVry for air conditioner repair.
5)  When the artichokes have been steamed, drizzle or brush the oil mixture on the cut sides of the artichokes, and place on the grill cut-side down.
6)  Grill for 5-10 minutes, you'll be able to see when they're done, they will look grilled but not burnt
7)  Serve with lemon wedges.  There will inevitably be some asshole who wants mayonnaise, tell him to go fuck himself.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a pretty great meal on its own, maybe add a green salad and some bread to make your friends and family they're at a good version of the Olive Garden.  You can stuff the shells the night before so you can just pop it in the oven to make the meal super easy.  Goes great with wine, beer, vodka, or a nice glass of Triple Sec.  Any alcohol really.  Rubbing?  Fine.  Whatever I need a drink.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Grab the grilled artichokes by the stem, shout "GAME OF THRONES!!" and stab random people with the spiky end.  Make sure you stab the right person so you really get in trouble.  Plead guilty to assault with a vegetable, make sure you also admit to all the other bad shit you've done in your life.  Get sentenced to prison.  Keep your head down, stick with your race and make friends with the right people.  Learn to make wine out of your pee.  Do a favor for the leader of the white supremacist gang, get a cushy job working at the mess hall.  Offer to make your famous vegan stuffed shells dish for the entire prison.  Make sure the warden's plate has $50 bills stuffed into the shells.  Be aware that S.S. Dave has a gluten allergy.  You're the king of the prison.  You're on top of the world.  Let it go to your head.  Forget to wear your phone book armor one day.  Get shanked.  Die in a pool of blood and glory.  You should have gone to Olive Garden...

SERVES 6 COMFORTABLY.  MAYBE 8 IF YOU'RE NOT FAT FUCKS LIKE ME.

Miso Corny, oh oh Miso Corny!!!!

School's out for the summer.  School's out forever (due to budgetary constraints).  School is out and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall, to get me a short set.  School is out and I can no longer legally look at most of the girls at the mall when I'm leaning against the wall next to Orange Julius in my trenchcoat at 2pm on a Tuesday....

Summer weather means summer events and summer foods.  If you're like me, you have a lot of barbecues to attend and a lot of anxiety about some asshole's giant tri-tip dominating the shared grill space and dripping dead cow blood on your pitiful Boca burger.  What's it like to attend a barbecue as a vegan?  Well there are a few approaches:

1)  Be invisible.  Eat beforehand, don't say anything, maybe grab some chips, maybe grab a soft drink, pretend to have fun, stuff your face with quinoa when you get home and Febreeze the beef smell out of your clothes. 

2)  Be the asshole.  This is when you act like every shitty sitcom's "vegetarian" character.  Make it known that you don't eat meat, tell people annoying statistics about heart disease, say the word "Monsanto" a lot, dramatically keep your food away from others, judge them, be judged, don't get invited back. 

3)  Show them what you got.  Go get 'em, Tiger.  Read them the old riot act.  Make something to share that you can eat that they can enjoy as well.  Fake versions of animal products are never popular among the carnivorous, nor should they be.  I tend to eat some "replacement" products (chik'n nuggets, faux gras, unreal veal, SOYlent Green, etc.) but they are an imitation.  We all know that imitations suck, except Frank Caliendo, 'cause LOL at his John Madden.  Make the real deal, make it with common ingredients, don't make a point to tell everyone that it's vegan.  Just lay it out there and see what happens.  People will learn to accept that there are viable menu options that don't involve animal slaughter or titty-stroking and you will get less and less shit from your friends to the point that after 5 years or so, your veganism will only be like 85% of the conversation at every fucking meal. 

In the spirit of number 3 - I present to you my "Miso Corny Summertime Salad, With Special Guests!!"

WHAT YOU NEED:

4 ears of fresh corn.  (If you use canned or frozen corn, that's fine, but just know you're a lazy bum)
1 can of black beans
1 large red Heirloom tomato (again, regular tomatoes are fine, but you're only cheating yourself)
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup mellow white miso (this is the only "strange" ingredient here, but it's common enough that it's available at most grocery stores, refrigerated near the tofu.  It keeps for a long time and has many uses.)
1 tsp agave nectar
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
Cayenne or white pepper or both, to taste.  Black pepper too.  Fucking Dr. Pepper, I don't care about you.  
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (optional)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grill the corn or roast it in the oven.  For grilling, just pop on the grill, in the husk, turning occasionally, about 20-25 minutes.  Some say to soak beforehand but I see it as an unnecessary step.  It comes out fine either way.  To roast in the oven, preheat to 350 and place, in the husk, on the middle rack for 30 minutes.  When done, cut off the cob and add to a large bowl. 
2)  Drain & heat up the beans a bit.  I rinse them here too because bean juice is kind of grody and if you're Instagramming your meal, which you all do, it helps keep the color nice.  Place in the corn bowl when done. 
3)  Chop the tomato into 1/4 inch-ish pieces.  Mix with the corn and beans.  Place the bowl in the fridge. 
4)  Place dressing ingredients in a blender or, my preference, a cup or bowl and blend with an immersion (stick) blender.  To recap, this is the lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, miso, agave nectar, paprika, jalapeno, and garlic.  Blend until smooth.  Like, Santana and Rob Thomas smooth. 
5)  Taste the dressing for spice.  The raw garlic and jalapeno make it pretty spicy but if you're trying to be all badass and stuff, add some cayenne.  If making a large batch for mixed company, keep it on the milder side. 
6)  Add about half of the dressing to the corn mixture and mix.  It should coat but not overwhelm.  Keep the remaining dressing on the side in case people want more.  Offer the cilantro on the side to those who have actual reasonable human taste buds and enjoy the refreshing light spice of cilantro. 
7)  Sit back and watch the barbecue invitations roll in (if they don't, it's not the salad's fault, it's because you tried to make out with your aunt at the last one.  Remember that?  Yeah.  So maybe ease up on the Zima)

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This really goes great as a side dish with anything.  We had it tonight alongside tacos, but it's great with anything on the grill, and can even make a great light meal on its own.  This has always been a hit and I would recommend doubling or tripling the recipe because it goes fast. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Fill a bowl and walk into a large ethnically-mixed cookout.  Walk up to all the black people and pull the beans out of your bowl as you tell them "I'm making this better!".  Repeat with the corn for Asian people, and the tomatoes for bald white people with sunburns.  Look down at your empty bowl, realize you are out of food and out of friends, starve to death and die.  Nobody will come to your funeral, save for the 3 white supremacists who remembered their SPF 50, and they're just coming because they heard your aunt's a slut. 

SERVES 4-6 AS A SIDE.  MORE IF YOU MAKE MORE.  KEEPS WELL FOR 4-5 DAYS.

Summer Funtime Watermelon Arugula Basil Salad Funtime!!

Hey Folks!!

It's been a while since I have had a chance to slave over a hot stove in the kitchen and then slave over a hot computer keyboard and then slave over the part of my brain that hates everything I ever say or write.  Fortunately, I just made a delicious summer dish and had to pound a venti iced coffee at 5pm like an idiot and my wife is currently monopolizing the TV with one of her 9 favorite celebrity competition shows (I think this one has to do with high dives and, hopefully, a waterless swimming pool), so now's as good a time as ever to get my bloggy-blogg on!!

It's important to note that this recipe was adapted from Bryant Terry's brilliant "Vegan Soul Kitchen" book which I would recommend for purchase to anyone who enjoys vegan cooking, soul food, or who thinks that their cookbooks could use a black friend. 

Enough small talk, we didn't come here to make friends (unless you did, please be my friend.  @kodiakjackson on Instagram and Twitter and also I will send you my address and come pick you up to hang out and pay for everything, just please love me)...

Here's the dish - Watermelon, Arugula & Basil Salad.  Watermelon makes me think of one thing: summer.  Partially because I grew up when it was only available for about 6 weeks a year and partially because I'm not racist and I don't associate watermelon with any type of person (but we all know who I'm talking about - cough - Belgians - cough).  Because of the beautiful global economy we live in, you can get watermelon nearly year round, which is a wonderful concession to the underclass from our reptilian overlords who, through vaccinations and microchips plan to reduce the world population to 200 million so that we may be more easily managed as slaves.  What the illuminati and the common man CAN agree on is that watermelon, basil and arugula make a wonderful threesome, with watermelon on top, basil working the balls, and arugula just laying there.

 

WHAT YOU NEED:

About 5 cups fresh watermelon, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar (available in health food stores or your hippy friend's medicine cabinet)
1/4 tsp Dijon mustard
1 hilarious Grey Poupon joke
2 tbs minced fresh basil
1/2 tsp kosher sea salt (salt mined on the Sabbath is okay, but don't blame me when you're left behind during the rapture)
4 tbs olive oil
white pepper
4 cups arugula, torn (or as my friend Giorgio suggested, "Natalie Arugula")
1/2 cup toasted peanuts

WHAT YOU DO:

1. Put about 1 cup of the watermelon into a blender.  Blend and then strain to get the juice.  The solids can be composted, thrown out or rubbed on dry skin to make it sticky AND dry. 
2. Place the remaining watermelon, 1/4 cup of the basil and the lemon juice into a bowl.  Toss, cover and refrigerate while the rest is prepared. 
3. Heat the watermelon juice in a small saucepan on high until boiling, and then simmer to reduce, about 8-10 minutes.  The juice should become a darker red and sweeter. 
4. When the juice is reduced, put in a blender to cool a bit.  Add the vinegar, basil, Dijon and salt.  Make another Grey Poupon joke for good measure. 
5. Blend the dressing ingredients together and add the olive oil bit by bit.  Add white pepper to taste.  It should taste like a sweeter balsamic vinaigrette with a watermelon feel appeal to it, smoothed out on the basil tip. 
6. Listen to "Motownphilly" for no reason other than to make your day way better.
7. Toss the arugula in some of the dressing, to coat it lightly.  (In my experience there is more dressing than you need but it's great to have leftover because outside of the dressing this recipe is so easy even a post-head injury celebrity high diver could make it)
8. Top the arugula with the watermelon chunks and toasted peanuts.  Add dressing to taste.  It does not necessarily have to be peanuts, whatever you have around.  As my mom used to say, "any nut will do".  Wait..no...YOUR mom said that.  Fuck.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a wonderful main dish, but if you're concerned about it not being a full meal, it's great on the side with veggie burgers or chili.  It's a great compliment to spicy food.  It be like "Hey spicy food, did it hurt?  When you fell from heaven?" and then spicy food be all like "awwww, that's sweet" and then they fuck. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Purchase a $4,000 all-white suit and give it to an albino.  At gunpoint, force the albino to eat 12 servings of this salad with no utensils or napkins.  Release the watermelon-stained white-on-white-on-white albino into the zoo habitat of a type of ape that is only sexually attracted to the color pink.  Watch them fall in love.  Invite pink albino and ape-wife to your next dinner party and argue with them about the movie "Congo".  Get punched by the ape-wife for your insensitive Amy impression.

SERVES 4 AS A MAIN DISH, SERVES 6-8 AS A SIDE.