Tofu Ricotta stuffed shells with beans n' greens and PARTY-chokes!!!!

Eyyyyyy!!  I got your protein right here!!!!!

I have avoided Italian food to this point because everything seems so boring and so easy (sorry Italian people!  I still think you're great except for most of you!).  I have a go-to quickie pasta dish that's always a hit at home, but not blog-worthy.  So what I like to do, now that we have a demanding 2 year-old running around the house, is make things more complicated.  This is actually a fairly simple dish, it's just the matter of stuffing the shells and popping it in the oven, oh and also you have to create enough simple and non-disastrous tasks so that the 2-year old can feel like she's helping, and no matter what you do you'll have to take your eyes off of her for 4 seconds and she'll dump her beta fish and all of his water into your mail drawer.  Dick.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 box large shells
1 bunch kale (other greens such as chard or spinach would work as well)
1 package firm tofu (silken is fine too but a little softer)
1 tbs olive oil
3 large cloves garlic
1 can cannellini beans
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup nutritional yeast (this adds to the cheezy flavor)
The juice of one lemon
The blood of one virgin (optional, for purposes of virgin sacrifice, hand stuff doesn't count but oral takes them off the list)
black pepper
fresh or dried italian herbs (optional)
marinara sauce (preferably jazzed-up)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cook shells according to package instructions (about 9 minutes or so, the package should tell you how long to cook them for, unless you bought some underground black market pasta shells with no packaging, in which case may almighty Allah have mercy on your soul)  Preheat oven to 400.
2)  rinse & chop the greens, add to saute pan on medium heat with the olive oil.
3)  cook greens until wilted, add garlic and beans, cook for 2-3 more minutes until flavors are combined
4)  While the greens mixture is cooking: drain and crumble/mash tofu - it should resemble the texture of ricotta, in a large mixing bowl
5)  Add salt, nutritional yeast, lemon juice and herbs to tofu and mix well
6)  When greens/beans are cooked, combine with tofu mixture and stir well, let cool for a couple minutes until you can handle it.
7)  Optional:  I like to add things to the sauce, you can go as fancy as you want, but a decent-quality jar of pasta sauce can be made baller as fuck by adding some cooked vegan sausage and bell peppers and onions.  The dish stands on its own regardless but it's a nice touch.
8)  Pour a bit of the sauce to just cover the bottom of a large glass baking pan, and Stuff the shells with a heaping spoonful of the mixture, arrange on the pan.  They can be touching each other and in my experience you have enough to cover the bottom of the pan and then have a few more on top.  There will be some broken shells and you'll end up tossing a few, because fuck starving people.
9)  Cover the top with the remaining sauce and cover with foil.  Bake at 400 for 30 minutes.  Let cool a few minutes and serve.  Great with red pepper flakes or lemon pepper.

Some people are assholes and they don't appreciate a single-dish meal, so sometimes it's nice to add a veggie on the side, especially one that's easy to cook and looks super impressive.  Also one that you can make sound more fun by slightly changing its name, so check out the "PARTY-Chokes!!!":

WHAT YOU NEED:

2-3 large artichokes
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, minced
Italian herbs, oregano, parsley, thyme, etc
Band-Aids for all the fucking artichoke spikes.  Asshole vegetable.
2 lemons, cut into wedges

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cut off the top 1/2 inch or so of the artichokes, cut them in half lengthwise and scoop out all the bullshit.  There are a lot of spiky leaves that look like flower petals inside and some other fuzzy stuff.  Get rid of all of it, it's not good and if you eat it it will haunt your throat forever.
2)  Place the artichokes cut-side down in a steamer basket in a large pot and steam for 20 minutes or so.  It's really the steaming that does most of the cooking and the grill just finishes off the end to make it look fancy, like when a lady of the evening is supposed to be giving a "blowjob" but really does most of the work with her hands even though you paid her the 85 bucks you agreed on and now you can't buy Christmas presents for your kids.
3)  Turn on your grill
4)  In a small saucepan over medium-low heat, add the oil until heated a bit and then add the garlic and herbs.  This will blend the flavors into the oil and make it seem like you went to a fancy cooking school and not just DeVry for air conditioner repair.
5)  When the artichokes have been steamed, drizzle or brush the oil mixture on the cut sides of the artichokes, and place on the grill cut-side down.
6)  Grill for 5-10 minutes, you'll be able to see when they're done, they will look grilled but not burnt
7)  Serve with lemon wedges.  There will inevitably be some asshole who wants mayonnaise, tell him to go fuck himself.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a pretty great meal on its own, maybe add a green salad and some bread to make your friends and family they're at a good version of the Olive Garden.  You can stuff the shells the night before so you can just pop it in the oven to make the meal super easy.  Goes great with wine, beer, vodka, or a nice glass of Triple Sec.  Any alcohol really.  Rubbing?  Fine.  Whatever I need a drink.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Grab the grilled artichokes by the stem, shout "GAME OF THRONES!!" and stab random people with the spiky end.  Make sure you stab the right person so you really get in trouble.  Plead guilty to assault with a vegetable, make sure you also admit to all the other bad shit you've done in your life.  Get sentenced to prison.  Keep your head down, stick with your race and make friends with the right people.  Learn to make wine out of your pee.  Do a favor for the leader of the white supremacist gang, get a cushy job working at the mess hall.  Offer to make your famous vegan stuffed shells dish for the entire prison.  Make sure the warden's plate has $50 bills stuffed into the shells.  Be aware that S.S. Dave has a gluten allergy.  You're the king of the prison.  You're on top of the world.  Let it go to your head.  Forget to wear your phone book armor one day.  Get shanked.  Die in a pool of blood and glory.  You should have gone to Olive Garden...

SERVES 6 COMFORTABLY.  MAYBE 8 IF YOU'RE NOT FAT FUCKS LIKE ME.

Miso Corny, oh oh Miso Corny!!!!

School's out for the summer.  School's out forever (due to budgetary constraints).  School is out and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall, to get me a short set.  School is out and I can no longer legally look at most of the girls at the mall when I'm leaning against the wall next to Orange Julius in my trenchcoat at 2pm on a Tuesday....

Summer weather means summer events and summer foods.  If you're like me, you have a lot of barbecues to attend and a lot of anxiety about some asshole's giant tri-tip dominating the shared grill space and dripping dead cow blood on your pitiful Boca burger.  What's it like to attend a barbecue as a vegan?  Well there are a few approaches:

1)  Be invisible.  Eat beforehand, don't say anything, maybe grab some chips, maybe grab a soft drink, pretend to have fun, stuff your face with quinoa when you get home and Febreeze the beef smell out of your clothes. 

2)  Be the asshole.  This is when you act like every shitty sitcom's "vegetarian" character.  Make it known that you don't eat meat, tell people annoying statistics about heart disease, say the word "Monsanto" a lot, dramatically keep your food away from others, judge them, be judged, don't get invited back. 

3)  Show them what you got.  Go get 'em, Tiger.  Read them the old riot act.  Make something to share that you can eat that they can enjoy as well.  Fake versions of animal products are never popular among the carnivorous, nor should they be.  I tend to eat some "replacement" products (chik'n nuggets, faux gras, unreal veal, SOYlent Green, etc.) but they are an imitation.  We all know that imitations suck, except Frank Caliendo, 'cause LOL at his John Madden.  Make the real deal, make it with common ingredients, don't make a point to tell everyone that it's vegan.  Just lay it out there and see what happens.  People will learn to accept that there are viable menu options that don't involve animal slaughter or titty-stroking and you will get less and less shit from your friends to the point that after 5 years or so, your veganism will only be like 85% of the conversation at every fucking meal. 

In the spirit of number 3 - I present to you my "Miso Corny Summertime Salad, With Special Guests!!"

WHAT YOU NEED:

4 ears of fresh corn.  (If you use canned or frozen corn, that's fine, but just know you're a lazy bum)
1 can of black beans
1 large red Heirloom tomato (again, regular tomatoes are fine, but you're only cheating yourself)
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup mellow white miso (this is the only "strange" ingredient here, but it's common enough that it's available at most grocery stores, refrigerated near the tofu.  It keeps for a long time and has many uses.)
1 tsp agave nectar
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
Cayenne or white pepper or both, to taste.  Black pepper too.  Fucking Dr. Pepper, I don't care about you.  
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (optional)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grill the corn or roast it in the oven.  For grilling, just pop on the grill, in the husk, turning occasionally, about 20-25 minutes.  Some say to soak beforehand but I see it as an unnecessary step.  It comes out fine either way.  To roast in the oven, preheat to 350 and place, in the husk, on the middle rack for 30 minutes.  When done, cut off the cob and add to a large bowl. 
2)  Drain & heat up the beans a bit.  I rinse them here too because bean juice is kind of grody and if you're Instagramming your meal, which you all do, it helps keep the color nice.  Place in the corn bowl when done. 
3)  Chop the tomato into 1/4 inch-ish pieces.  Mix with the corn and beans.  Place the bowl in the fridge. 
4)  Place dressing ingredients in a blender or, my preference, a cup or bowl and blend with an immersion (stick) blender.  To recap, this is the lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, miso, agave nectar, paprika, jalapeno, and garlic.  Blend until smooth.  Like, Santana and Rob Thomas smooth. 
5)  Taste the dressing for spice.  The raw garlic and jalapeno make it pretty spicy but if you're trying to be all badass and stuff, add some cayenne.  If making a large batch for mixed company, keep it on the milder side. 
6)  Add about half of the dressing to the corn mixture and mix.  It should coat but not overwhelm.  Keep the remaining dressing on the side in case people want more.  Offer the cilantro on the side to those who have actual reasonable human taste buds and enjoy the refreshing light spice of cilantro. 
7)  Sit back and watch the barbecue invitations roll in (if they don't, it's not the salad's fault, it's because you tried to make out with your aunt at the last one.  Remember that?  Yeah.  So maybe ease up on the Zima)

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This really goes great as a side dish with anything.  We had it tonight alongside tacos, but it's great with anything on the grill, and can even make a great light meal on its own.  This has always been a hit and I would recommend doubling or tripling the recipe because it goes fast. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Fill a bowl and walk into a large ethnically-mixed cookout.  Walk up to all the black people and pull the beans out of your bowl as you tell them "I'm making this better!".  Repeat with the corn for Asian people, and the tomatoes for bald white people with sunburns.  Look down at your empty bowl, realize you are out of food and out of friends, starve to death and die.  Nobody will come to your funeral, save for the 3 white supremacists who remembered their SPF 50, and they're just coming because they heard your aunt's a slut. 

SERVES 4-6 AS A SIDE.  MORE IF YOU MAKE MORE.  KEEPS WELL FOR 4-5 DAYS.

Pumpkin French Toast. Easy as shit!! No, easy as pie! I should have said pie!!!

Sticking with the fall vegetable theme, and wanting to get another recipe on the books before I leave for vacation this weekend, I have to let you all in on my all-time favorite, and one of the simplest creations I have come up with.

Sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning, ready for some football and couch-laying, with a desire for nothing more than alcohol-soaking carbs.  I used to roll out of bed at 9:56, with just enough time to set my fantasy lineups and pour a strong Kahlua and coffee before spending the next 9 hours watching a bunch of millionaires in tight pants pile onto each other while fighting over leather.  You know, MAN stuff.

Now I have a baby.  And while she is the absolute love of my life, blah blah blah, she wakes up at the pusscrack of dawn every morning so my Sundays start before the Sun's Sunday does.  This means I have time to kill and time to figure out how to make the world better.  I present to you Pumpkin French Toast:

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 Loaf of French bread.  The bakery kind.  A benefit of being up at 5:30am is that this is fresh.  Makes all the difference in the world.
1 cup of pureed pumpkin (not the pie mix.  As Randy Moss would say, "Straight squash, homie.")
1 cup of unflavored Rice Milk
2 tbs brown sugar
1 accompanying D'Angelo video (that boy FOINE!!)
2 pinches cinnamon
2 pinches nutmeg
2 pinches cloves
2 pinches salt
(If you're having trouble with a "pinch", it's like 1/8 tsp for 2 pinches.  Just put some.  Some.  If you fuck it up, it's on you.)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Butter or spray for the pan

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Slice bread into thickish slices.  About 1/2 inch each.
2)  Heat a skillet to medium-high
3)  Try not to think about having sex with D'Angelo
4)  Mix all ingredients, pumpkin, milk, sugar, salt, vanilla & spices in a bowl with a whisk or a blender if you prefer.
5)  Pour the mix on a flattish surface.  Cover the bread in the mix by plopping (science) it down on the mix on each side.  You don't want it soaked and you don't want it dripping off.  Pumpkin should cover the surface.
6)  Put butter/spray on the skillet and cook on each side for about 2 minutes and then flip.  Repeat.  Best to eyeball them, you'll be able to tell when they're done.
7)  I like to have the oven on like 200 and put the finished slices on a cookie tray to keep them warm.  If you have a fancy warming tray that works too.  Or everyone doesn't have to eat at once.  Serve and enjoy.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  This is good on its own or with some fruit and maybe a piece of veggie sausage.  Maple syrup (authentic, not that plastic-ass Log Cabin bullshit).

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Stuff all slices into a Jack-O-Lantern.  Add a large Jesus candle, light.  Once the Christ-wax has sufficiently covered the french toast, throw it off an overpass at the first Porsche Cayenne you see.  Go home and have some Apple Jacks.

SERVES 4-5.  ALSO KEEPS WELL AND CAN BE RE-HEATED.

PICTURE COMING SOON.

Sweet Potato, Kale & Black Bean Enchiladas - ON CRACK!!!

YAY YAY YAY IT'S THE FIRST RECIPE Y'ALL!!!

So the other night I wanted to make something delicious that incorporated my favorite fall flavors.  Unfortunately, Pumpkin Spice lattes, NFL Football and hard nipples in sweaters don't a vegan meal make, so I had to go for plan B - Sweet Potatoes.

The history of the sweet potato in America is probably interesting.  Haven't looked it up.  Another fave, kale, which is basically essential in half of my meals, had to be involved, and of course, we needed black beans 'cause farting.  Without further delay - here we go:

WHAT YOU NEED:

Enchilada Sauce:

1 15 oz can of tomato sauce or diced tomatoes
1 3/4 cups veggie broth.  For those too lazy to measure, just pretty much refill the empty tomato can.
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 backup teaspoon, 'cause damn you're using that motherfucker a lot!!
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp hot sauce, or to taste
salt to taste

Enchilada Filling:

1 super large sweet potato/yam, diced into 1/4 in cubes (about 3 cups)
1 bunch green kale, washed and torn into bite-size pieces
1 15 oz can black beans
1 poblano pepper
1/2 medium yellow onion, diced
1 tbs oil.  I use peanut, but not essential.  Just don't use Castrol 10W30 or V05 Hot Oil. 
Salt & pepper to taste

Other Shit:

Corn tortillas (about 8, see what will fit your casserole dish)
Daiya vegan cheese (or none, or regular cheese 'cause fuck me, right?)
A casserole dish.

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cover the diced sweet potatoes in water, bring to a boil.  Boil about 10 minutes or so after the water starts boiling, until they are tender.  And say the word "boil" a lot.
2)  Prep the veggies while this is cooking, combine all ingredients for the sauce in a saucepan & bring to a boil.  Lower heat & simmer until flavors are combined & liquid is reduced a bit.
3)  Heat oil in a saute pan, add onion & pepper.  Once softened, add kale.  Cook until kale is wilted.
4)  Preheat oven to 350 - probably the right time for this.
5)  Add beans & cooked potatoes to kale mixture, season with salt & pepper to taste. 
6)  Lightly grease the casserole dish with cooking spray or by rubbing it against the hair of a Def Leppard roadie.  Add about 1/2 cup sauce to the bottom of the dish.
7)  Cook tortillas for a minute or so on each side in a frying pan to soften.  Dunk in the sauce & layer the bottom of the dish.
8)  Scoop a healthy layer of the filling over the tortillas.  Almost to the top of the pan or until you run out.  If it goes over you fucked up and now you have to eat off the floor.
9)  Repeat tortilla cooking/sauce dunking to create a top layer.  If you copy Dee Brown's winning dunk from the 1991 Slam Dunk Contest the food will taste 1,000 times better. 
10)  Top with cheese, put in the oven for 15 minutes.
11)  Change oven to broil, cook for 5 more minutes to melt cheese or cheese-like substance (shoutout to Super Sloppy Double Dare)
12)  Remove, let cool 5 minutes.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  Add fresh avocado & salsa, or vegan sour cream.  Also good alone, or with hot sauce.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Put the whole thing in a blender and add ice & 19 packets of Splenda.  Serve with a sprig of fresh mint & a pine tree car freshener.

MAKES FOOD FOR 4-6 PEOPLE, 2 HORSES OR 3 BUMPUS HOUNDS.

BON APETIT!!!

(photos coming when I learn how to use a camera/the internet)