Tofu Ricotta stuffed shells with beans n' greens and PARTY-chokes!!!!

Eyyyyyy!!  I got your protein right here!!!!!

I have avoided Italian food to this point because everything seems so boring and so easy (sorry Italian people!  I still think you're great except for most of you!).  I have a go-to quickie pasta dish that's always a hit at home, but not blog-worthy.  So what I like to do, now that we have a demanding 2 year-old running around the house, is make things more complicated.  This is actually a fairly simple dish, it's just the matter of stuffing the shells and popping it in the oven, oh and also you have to create enough simple and non-disastrous tasks so that the 2-year old can feel like she's helping, and no matter what you do you'll have to take your eyes off of her for 4 seconds and she'll dump her beta fish and all of his water into your mail drawer.  Dick.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 box large shells
1 bunch kale (other greens such as chard or spinach would work as well)
1 package firm tofu (silken is fine too but a little softer)
1 tbs olive oil
3 large cloves garlic
1 can cannellini beans
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup nutritional yeast (this adds to the cheezy flavor)
The juice of one lemon
The blood of one virgin (optional, for purposes of virgin sacrifice, hand stuff doesn't count but oral takes them off the list)
black pepper
fresh or dried italian herbs (optional)
marinara sauce (preferably jazzed-up)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cook shells according to package instructions (about 9 minutes or so, the package should tell you how long to cook them for, unless you bought some underground black market pasta shells with no packaging, in which case may almighty Allah have mercy on your soul)  Preheat oven to 400.
2)  rinse & chop the greens, add to saute pan on medium heat with the olive oil.
3)  cook greens until wilted, add garlic and beans, cook for 2-3 more minutes until flavors are combined
4)  While the greens mixture is cooking: drain and crumble/mash tofu - it should resemble the texture of ricotta, in a large mixing bowl
5)  Add salt, nutritional yeast, lemon juice and herbs to tofu and mix well
6)  When greens/beans are cooked, combine with tofu mixture and stir well, let cool for a couple minutes until you can handle it.
7)  Optional:  I like to add things to the sauce, you can go as fancy as you want, but a decent-quality jar of pasta sauce can be made baller as fuck by adding some cooked vegan sausage and bell peppers and onions.  The dish stands on its own regardless but it's a nice touch.
8)  Pour a bit of the sauce to just cover the bottom of a large glass baking pan, and Stuff the shells with a heaping spoonful of the mixture, arrange on the pan.  They can be touching each other and in my experience you have enough to cover the bottom of the pan and then have a few more on top.  There will be some broken shells and you'll end up tossing a few, because fuck starving people.
9)  Cover the top with the remaining sauce and cover with foil.  Bake at 400 for 30 minutes.  Let cool a few minutes and serve.  Great with red pepper flakes or lemon pepper.

Some people are assholes and they don't appreciate a single-dish meal, so sometimes it's nice to add a veggie on the side, especially one that's easy to cook and looks super impressive.  Also one that you can make sound more fun by slightly changing its name, so check out the "PARTY-Chokes!!!":

WHAT YOU NEED:

2-3 large artichokes
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, minced
Italian herbs, oregano, parsley, thyme, etc
Band-Aids for all the fucking artichoke spikes.  Asshole vegetable.
2 lemons, cut into wedges

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cut off the top 1/2 inch or so of the artichokes, cut them in half lengthwise and scoop out all the bullshit.  There are a lot of spiky leaves that look like flower petals inside and some other fuzzy stuff.  Get rid of all of it, it's not good and if you eat it it will haunt your throat forever.
2)  Place the artichokes cut-side down in a steamer basket in a large pot and steam for 20 minutes or so.  It's really the steaming that does most of the cooking and the grill just finishes off the end to make it look fancy, like when a lady of the evening is supposed to be giving a "blowjob" but really does most of the work with her hands even though you paid her the 85 bucks you agreed on and now you can't buy Christmas presents for your kids.
3)  Turn on your grill
4)  In a small saucepan over medium-low heat, add the oil until heated a bit and then add the garlic and herbs.  This will blend the flavors into the oil and make it seem like you went to a fancy cooking school and not just DeVry for air conditioner repair.
5)  When the artichokes have been steamed, drizzle or brush the oil mixture on the cut sides of the artichokes, and place on the grill cut-side down.
6)  Grill for 5-10 minutes, you'll be able to see when they're done, they will look grilled but not burnt
7)  Serve with lemon wedges.  There will inevitably be some asshole who wants mayonnaise, tell him to go fuck himself.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a pretty great meal on its own, maybe add a green salad and some bread to make your friends and family they're at a good version of the Olive Garden.  You can stuff the shells the night before so you can just pop it in the oven to make the meal super easy.  Goes great with wine, beer, vodka, or a nice glass of Triple Sec.  Any alcohol really.  Rubbing?  Fine.  Whatever I need a drink.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Grab the grilled artichokes by the stem, shout "GAME OF THRONES!!" and stab random people with the spiky end.  Make sure you stab the right person so you really get in trouble.  Plead guilty to assault with a vegetable, make sure you also admit to all the other bad shit you've done in your life.  Get sentenced to prison.  Keep your head down, stick with your race and make friends with the right people.  Learn to make wine out of your pee.  Do a favor for the leader of the white supremacist gang, get a cushy job working at the mess hall.  Offer to make your famous vegan stuffed shells dish for the entire prison.  Make sure the warden's plate has $50 bills stuffed into the shells.  Be aware that S.S. Dave has a gluten allergy.  You're the king of the prison.  You're on top of the world.  Let it go to your head.  Forget to wear your phone book armor one day.  Get shanked.  Die in a pool of blood and glory.  You should have gone to Olive Garden...

SERVES 6 COMFORTABLY.  MAYBE 8 IF YOU'RE NOT FAT FUCKS LIKE ME.

Mmmmmmm - bai!!!!

Hello food eaters!

A vegan in the US would typically find the most options among the foods of Asia.  Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Burmese, and my favorite - Indian.  I LOVE all of this food and have made a lot of it, but something about Indian food was always intimidating.  For whatever reason, I have never made it outside of the shitty masala sauce in a jar from Trader Joe's and the various microwave versions (Amy's Samosa Wrap is actually fucking great).  A while back I decided that I would not only make some delicious Indian food, but I would make multiple dishes and invite over some real live Indian friends to put it to the test (disclaimer - they are American born and had Taco Bell for dinner the night before).  In an effort to make things difficult and set myself up for failure I attempted 4 dishes, all for the first time.  One was a Tandoori Salmon that I made for my fish-killing wife and our terrorist-of-the-sea friends, so that one will be omitted.  Even still, we have a 3-fer!!!

The Dishes:  Coconut Rice, Aloo Gobi and Chana Masala.

COCONUT RICE:

This is a super easy improvement on regular steamed rice and takes almost as little effort to make.  The coconut makes it seem like either you spent years at a tropical cooking school or used to sleep with Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

WHAT YOU NEED:

Coconut oil to grease the pan
2 cups jasmine or basmati rice
1 can coconut milk (about 2 cups)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tiger print men's Speedo
1 3/4 cup water
1 cinnamon stick

Optional:
1/4 cup toasted coconut shreds (just brown coconut flakes/shreds in a dry sautee pan)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grease a sauce pan with the coconut oil.  This will help prevent the milk from sticking to the sides.
2)  Add rice, coconut milk, cinnamon stick, salt & water to the pan, mix.
3)  Turn up heat to medium high, stirring occasionally until just boiling
4)  Turn the heat down to the lowest setting, cover with a tight lid & simmer 15-20 minutes or until most of the liquid is gone.
5)  check out this tight lid
6)  Once the milk/water has cooked away, remove from heat and let stand, covered, for another 5-10 minutes.
7)  Remove cinnamon stick, place rice in serving bowl & top with toasted coconut.  I would leave it on top rather than mix it in because some people have no soul and don't like the texture of coconut.


BONUS RECIPE - GINGER-GARLIC PASTE

This one is super easy.  Just mix ginger & garlic in a 1-to-1 ratio with a little bit of oil.  I find that using a small blender or a food processor works best.  I can't say what brand since I don't do free endorsements here, but the one I use is very "magical" and it cuts through my prep time like a "bullet".  For the recipies below, you probably need about a 4-inch piece of ginger (also probably the nickname for David Caruso's penis) and 6-8 cloves of garlic.

ALOO GOBI:

Aloo gobi is a fancy-sounding dish of potatoes & cauliflower which roughly translates to "Potatoes Cauliflower".  In a country of 1,600 languages, millions of Gods, and about 5 last names, it's best to keep things simple.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 head cauliflower, cut into small florets
2 russet potatoes, peeled & cut into 1/2 inch cubes
2 tbs peanut or canola oil
1 serrano pepper, minced
1 tsp cumin seeds
2 tbsp ginger-garlic paste
1 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/2 cup water
1 cup frozen peas
1 lemon
salt for seasoning

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Peel the potatoes and chop into 1/2 inch cubes.  Cut the cauliflower into similar-sized florets.
2)  Mix the ginger-garlic paste, coriander, turmeric and 1/2 cup of water.  This is a typical "wet masala" sauce.
3)  Go to Google, turn safe search to "off", look up "wet masala"
4)  Delete browsing history
5)  Heat the oil in a cast-iron skillet over medium heat
6)  Add the serrano pepper for 30 seconds, then add the cumin seed for 1 minute or until fragrant
7)  Add the "wet masala" sauce.  It will sputter a bit but that's why you should already be wearing this.
8)  When the sauce thickens a bit, add the potatoes and cauliflower and mix well to cover.
OPTIONAL:  Preheat the oven to 400 and add the potato-cauliflower-masala mixture in the cast-iron skillet for 30 minutes, stir every 10 minutes.  The roasting really brings out the flavor in the vegetables and you end up with a less moist version of the recipe, and all of the ladies in attendance will appreciate it if you are not able to comment on how moist everything is.  Moist.  If you do it this way, skip step #9.
9)  add 1/2 cup water & cover with a lid, 10 minutes
10)  Add the peas, keep covered 5 more minutes
11)  Uncover, keep cooking until the potatoes & cauliflower are cooked through (5-10 minutes)
12)  Add lemon juice, salt to taste and you're done.


CHANA MASALA:

Chana Masala is my favorite Indian dish.  It's always chickpea and tomato based, but you can play around with the rest.  It works great as a main dish with rice, and can also be used more creatively almost as a sauce to top another dish (curried mashed potatoes, etc).  You'll see a lot of variation on this dish from chef to chef, and a lot of Indian people have told me that their mom makes the best Chana Masala, to which I  respond - yeah, well YOUR MOM makes the best Chana Masala.  Mine's good too.

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 tsp cumin seeds
1 small onion, diced
2 tbs canola oil
3 tbsp ginger-garlic paste
1 serrano pepper, minced
1 tsp coriander
1 tsp garam masala
1/4 tsp turmeric
1 tsp salt
2 cans garbanzo beans, drained
1 28-oz can diced tomatoes, plain preferred but roasted, garlic or whatever is fine.  If all you have is diced tomatoes in Mountain Dew Code Red, you're fucked.
1/2 cup water

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Heat oil in saucepan or skillet, add cumin seed for about 1 minute
2)  Add onion, serrano pepper and ginger-garlic paste, saute until soft.  6 minutes.  6 minutes.  6 minutes Doug-E-Fresh you're on.
3)  Beatbox loudly for the remainder of the cooking time
4)  Add coriander, garam masala, turmeric & salt to the onion mixture, stir and cook another minute
5)  Add garbanzo beans, tomatoes & water
6)  simmer about 20 minutes to blend flavors and thicken sauce a bit.

This is a great feast if you make all three but each recipe stands on its own.  Invite over some friends of the ethnicity of your choice and enjoy!!

SERVING SUGGESTION:

Like I said, all three together are a tasty treat.  All good things come in threes, if you think about it - Amigos, Musketeers, Stooges, Titties in "Total Recall"...so serve it that way.  It's also important that you appropriately fuck with the spice to suit it to your tastes, the versions in the recipes above are on the mild side, because I have a bunch of giant pussies in my house that can't handle all this flava!! (points to crotch for an uncomfortably long amount of time)

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Do not put it on a burner for like a half hour and stick it up your bum all slow like tsssss
Do not lay it on a dresser, just the Indian food on a dresser and bang it with a spiked bat
Do not stab it with a rusty screwdriver
Do not hang yourself by your dick from a 12-story window
Do not sew your bum closed and keep feeding yourself, and feeding yourself, and feeding yourself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEnwXYJcSZc

SERVES 6-8.  MAKES GREAT LEFTOVERS.

Miso Corny, oh oh Miso Corny!!!!

School's out for the summer.  School's out forever (due to budgetary constraints).  School is out and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall, to get me a short set.  School is out and I can no longer legally look at most of the girls at the mall when I'm leaning against the wall next to Orange Julius in my trenchcoat at 2pm on a Tuesday....

Summer weather means summer events and summer foods.  If you're like me, you have a lot of barbecues to attend and a lot of anxiety about some asshole's giant tri-tip dominating the shared grill space and dripping dead cow blood on your pitiful Boca burger.  What's it like to attend a barbecue as a vegan?  Well there are a few approaches:

1)  Be invisible.  Eat beforehand, don't say anything, maybe grab some chips, maybe grab a soft drink, pretend to have fun, stuff your face with quinoa when you get home and Febreeze the beef smell out of your clothes. 

2)  Be the asshole.  This is when you act like every shitty sitcom's "vegetarian" character.  Make it known that you don't eat meat, tell people annoying statistics about heart disease, say the word "Monsanto" a lot, dramatically keep your food away from others, judge them, be judged, don't get invited back. 

3)  Show them what you got.  Go get 'em, Tiger.  Read them the old riot act.  Make something to share that you can eat that they can enjoy as well.  Fake versions of animal products are never popular among the carnivorous, nor should they be.  I tend to eat some "replacement" products (chik'n nuggets, faux gras, unreal veal, SOYlent Green, etc.) but they are an imitation.  We all know that imitations suck, except Frank Caliendo, 'cause LOL at his John Madden.  Make the real deal, make it with common ingredients, don't make a point to tell everyone that it's vegan.  Just lay it out there and see what happens.  People will learn to accept that there are viable menu options that don't involve animal slaughter or titty-stroking and you will get less and less shit from your friends to the point that after 5 years or so, your veganism will only be like 85% of the conversation at every fucking meal. 

In the spirit of number 3 - I present to you my "Miso Corny Summertime Salad, With Special Guests!!"

WHAT YOU NEED:

4 ears of fresh corn.  (If you use canned or frozen corn, that's fine, but just know you're a lazy bum)
1 can of black beans
1 large red Heirloom tomato (again, regular tomatoes are fine, but you're only cheating yourself)
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup mellow white miso (this is the only "strange" ingredient here, but it's common enough that it's available at most grocery stores, refrigerated near the tofu.  It keeps for a long time and has many uses.)
1 tsp agave nectar
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
Cayenne or white pepper or both, to taste.  Black pepper too.  Fucking Dr. Pepper, I don't care about you.  
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (optional)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Grill the corn or roast it in the oven.  For grilling, just pop on the grill, in the husk, turning occasionally, about 20-25 minutes.  Some say to soak beforehand but I see it as an unnecessary step.  It comes out fine either way.  To roast in the oven, preheat to 350 and place, in the husk, on the middle rack for 30 minutes.  When done, cut off the cob and add to a large bowl. 
2)  Drain & heat up the beans a bit.  I rinse them here too because bean juice is kind of grody and if you're Instagramming your meal, which you all do, it helps keep the color nice.  Place in the corn bowl when done. 
3)  Chop the tomato into 1/4 inch-ish pieces.  Mix with the corn and beans.  Place the bowl in the fridge. 
4)  Place dressing ingredients in a blender or, my preference, a cup or bowl and blend with an immersion (stick) blender.  To recap, this is the lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, miso, agave nectar, paprika, jalapeno, and garlic.  Blend until smooth.  Like, Santana and Rob Thomas smooth. 
5)  Taste the dressing for spice.  The raw garlic and jalapeno make it pretty spicy but if you're trying to be all badass and stuff, add some cayenne.  If making a large batch for mixed company, keep it on the milder side. 
6)  Add about half of the dressing to the corn mixture and mix.  It should coat but not overwhelm.  Keep the remaining dressing on the side in case people want more.  Offer the cilantro on the side to those who have actual reasonable human taste buds and enjoy the refreshing light spice of cilantro. 
7)  Sit back and watch the barbecue invitations roll in (if they don't, it's not the salad's fault, it's because you tried to make out with your aunt at the last one.  Remember that?  Yeah.  So maybe ease up on the Zima)

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This really goes great as a side dish with anything.  We had it tonight alongside tacos, but it's great with anything on the grill, and can even make a great light meal on its own.  This has always been a hit and I would recommend doubling or tripling the recipe because it goes fast. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Fill a bowl and walk into a large ethnically-mixed cookout.  Walk up to all the black people and pull the beans out of your bowl as you tell them "I'm making this better!".  Repeat with the corn for Asian people, and the tomatoes for bald white people with sunburns.  Look down at your empty bowl, realize you are out of food and out of friends, starve to death and die.  Nobody will come to your funeral, save for the 3 white supremacists who remembered their SPF 50, and they're just coming because they heard your aunt's a slut. 

SERVES 4-6 AS A SIDE.  MORE IF YOU MAKE MORE.  KEEPS WELL FOR 4-5 DAYS.

Summer Funtime Watermelon Arugula Basil Salad Funtime!!

Hey Folks!!

It's been a while since I have had a chance to slave over a hot stove in the kitchen and then slave over a hot computer keyboard and then slave over the part of my brain that hates everything I ever say or write.  Fortunately, I just made a delicious summer dish and had to pound a venti iced coffee at 5pm like an idiot and my wife is currently monopolizing the TV with one of her 9 favorite celebrity competition shows (I think this one has to do with high dives and, hopefully, a waterless swimming pool), so now's as good a time as ever to get my bloggy-blogg on!!

It's important to note that this recipe was adapted from Bryant Terry's brilliant "Vegan Soul Kitchen" book which I would recommend for purchase to anyone who enjoys vegan cooking, soul food, or who thinks that their cookbooks could use a black friend. 

Enough small talk, we didn't come here to make friends (unless you did, please be my friend.  @kodiakjackson on Instagram and Twitter and also I will send you my address and come pick you up to hang out and pay for everything, just please love me)...

Here's the dish - Watermelon, Arugula & Basil Salad.  Watermelon makes me think of one thing: summer.  Partially because I grew up when it was only available for about 6 weeks a year and partially because I'm not racist and I don't associate watermelon with any type of person (but we all know who I'm talking about - cough - Belgians - cough).  Because of the beautiful global economy we live in, you can get watermelon nearly year round, which is a wonderful concession to the underclass from our reptilian overlords who, through vaccinations and microchips plan to reduce the world population to 200 million so that we may be more easily managed as slaves.  What the illuminati and the common man CAN agree on is that watermelon, basil and arugula make a wonderful threesome, with watermelon on top, basil working the balls, and arugula just laying there.

 

WHAT YOU NEED:

About 5 cups fresh watermelon, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar (available in health food stores or your hippy friend's medicine cabinet)
1/4 tsp Dijon mustard
1 hilarious Grey Poupon joke
2 tbs minced fresh basil
1/2 tsp kosher sea salt (salt mined on the Sabbath is okay, but don't blame me when you're left behind during the rapture)
4 tbs olive oil
white pepper
4 cups arugula, torn (or as my friend Giorgio suggested, "Natalie Arugula")
1/2 cup toasted peanuts

WHAT YOU DO:

1. Put about 1 cup of the watermelon into a blender.  Blend and then strain to get the juice.  The solids can be composted, thrown out or rubbed on dry skin to make it sticky AND dry. 
2. Place the remaining watermelon, 1/4 cup of the basil and the lemon juice into a bowl.  Toss, cover and refrigerate while the rest is prepared. 
3. Heat the watermelon juice in a small saucepan on high until boiling, and then simmer to reduce, about 8-10 minutes.  The juice should become a darker red and sweeter. 
4. When the juice is reduced, put in a blender to cool a bit.  Add the vinegar, basil, Dijon and salt.  Make another Grey Poupon joke for good measure. 
5. Blend the dressing ingredients together and add the olive oil bit by bit.  Add white pepper to taste.  It should taste like a sweeter balsamic vinaigrette with a watermelon feel appeal to it, smoothed out on the basil tip. 
6. Listen to "Motownphilly" for no reason other than to make your day way better.
7. Toss the arugula in some of the dressing, to coat it lightly.  (In my experience there is more dressing than you need but it's great to have leftover because outside of the dressing this recipe is so easy even a post-head injury celebrity high diver could make it)
8. Top the arugula with the watermelon chunks and toasted peanuts.  Add dressing to taste.  It does not necessarily have to be peanuts, whatever you have around.  As my mom used to say, "any nut will do".  Wait..no...YOUR mom said that.  Fuck.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

This is a wonderful main dish, but if you're concerned about it not being a full meal, it's great on the side with veggie burgers or chili.  It's a great compliment to spicy food.  It be like "Hey spicy food, did it hurt?  When you fell from heaven?" and then spicy food be all like "awwww, that's sweet" and then they fuck. 

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Purchase a $4,000 all-white suit and give it to an albino.  At gunpoint, force the albino to eat 12 servings of this salad with no utensils or napkins.  Release the watermelon-stained white-on-white-on-white albino into the zoo habitat of a type of ape that is only sexually attracted to the color pink.  Watch them fall in love.  Invite pink albino and ape-wife to your next dinner party and argue with them about the movie "Congo".  Get punched by the ape-wife for your insensitive Amy impression.

SERVES 4 AS A MAIN DISH, SERVES 6-8 AS A SIDE.

VEGAN S'MORKIES!!!!

Like every overweight person I know, I LOVE me some dessert.  Now I never want to become one of those white trash ladies who wear a chocolate-related hoodless sweatshirt (with built-in dress collar) to her job in the Accounts Receivable department every day, but I do enjoy a sweet treat from time to time. 

The following is an idea that I had one morning, figured out during the day, and made that night.  That's a little thing I like to call "Git R' Done!".  I just made that shit up.  I should make THAT into a hoodless sweatshirt (with built-in dress collar)(denim).  

Based solely on taste and experience, I think it's hard to argue against the s'more as the best dessert in the world.  It gave the boring-ass graham cracker a new lease on life, and solved the problem of "how can I light something on fire and then immediately eat it?".  There are a few problems with the s'more:

1)        It is unlikely that when the s'more craving hits you, you will be in the position to build a campfire.  If you are, you likely live in the woods and probably have bigger problems than figuring out the perfect vegan treat.

2)       It's a lot to ask of your friends and family members to create this yummy treat in your home and not drop chocolate and marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs all over the white carpet that you stupidly thought was a good idea to have in your living room.

3)       The s'more typically involves 3 non-vegan ingredients, marshmallows (gelatin), chocolate (milk), and graham crackers (honey).  So if you're vegan, you're s'mshit out of luck. 

Solution:  Chef Kodi's special vegan s'more cookies!!!  Wait…this will never fly without a cutesy name that makes you hate yourself after saying it more than twice.  Let's try again:

SOLUTION:  The S'MORKIE!!!!!!!!

Ahhhh, the S'morkie!  A lovely, luxurious, heartwarming treat that will be enjoyed by vegans and non-vegans alike. 

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 1/2 cup of flour

1 cup of Graham Cracker crumbs (about 10 full crackers, or half a box, smashed by hand with a few pieces is okay, in fact, it makes the texture more interesting and better for the party in your mouth to which cavities are invited)

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

Logs, newspaper, a lighter, sticks, and a bunch of assholes in camping chairs

Replacement for 2 eggs (I use 1/2 cup silken tofu and 1 teaspoon baking powder, but there are other options such as the "En-er-G Egg Replacer" which comes in a box that looks like a prop from the Brady Bunch's cupboard)

1/4 cup REAL maple syrup (and if you try to come with that Log Cabin bullshit, I will cut you)

1 cup brown sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup corn oil

1 cup vegan chocolate chips

I bag of vegan marshmallows (mini are the best)

WHAT YOU DO:

1)        Preheat the oven to 350.

2)       Mix all dry ingredients (flour, graham crackers, baking powder, baking soda, salt)  set aside.

3)       Whisk together wet ingredients (egg replacement, oil, syrup, brown sugar, vanilla) until well mixed.  For those of you that say "but brown sugar isn't wet!" all I can say is that your mom's face isn't wet. 

4)       Since you probably forgot, turn on the oven.

5)       Slowly combine the dry mixture into the wet, and mix until just combined.  Fold in the chocolate chips.  

SIDE NOTE:  One reason that vegan baking stomps ass is that there are no raw eggs and no risk of salmonella.  This means you can eat all the uncooked dough that your chubby, overworked heart desires.  This also means that since your newfound skill at vegan cooking will lead to lots of sex and pregnancies, you can safely feed the uncooked dough to your pregnant lady friend as a distraction while you hastily pack your duffel bag and leave town.    

6)       Place the dough by the spoonful (about 2 tbs per cookie) onto a lightly greased baking sheet.  I prefer to roll it into balls and press so that they have even thickness.  You can also use parchment paper and no grease.  I prefer this method because parchment is what the Constitution was written on, and if you don't like parchment you're a fucking commie.

7)       Bake the cookies for about 13 minutes, remove from the oven.

8)       They should be soft on top and not fully cooked.  Take the marshmallows and press them into the top of the cookies.  While you're doing this, switch the oven to Broil. 

9)       Once the marshmallows are in the top of the cookies, pop the tray back in and cook until they are slightly brown and melty on the top.  They will start to expand, and that's how you will know you're close.  DO NOT leave the room.  DO NOT leave the marshmallows unattended.  It should only take 90 seconds or so, depending on the broiler, and you may want to lift the cookie sheet to make sure the 'mallows (cool way to say marshmallows) get toasted, but if your cookies catch on fire and you're stuck serving fruit or some stupid bullshit like that as dessert as you air out the kitchen and have to ask the tall person to pull the 9 volt battery out of your smoke detector, it's your own damn fault.

10)   Take the cookies out, they can be eaten as soon as people can stand to touch them.  The warmer the better.  After day #1, pop them in the microwave for 10-15 seconds to re-create that campfire feeling even though you're just home alone reading vampire fiction and whining to your cats about how hard it is to find a man.

11)   Best served with good friends and a scary story LOL!!!!  But seriously, if the "here's a campfire, good thing I brought my acoustic guitar, now listen to me play the same riff from a Dave Matthews song all night" guy comes along, don't give him a cookie.

12)   Smile as your non-vegan friends enjoy the fruits of your labor, wince as they discuss with one another how easy it would be to make this recipe using regular, non-vegan items.  Assholes.

SERVING SUGGESTION:

It's the perfect fucking cookie.  Eat it by itself.  Or with a chilled glass of rice milk.  Or atop a scoop of vanilla bean coconut ice cream.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:

Put a plateful on the fireplace of a child's house on Christmas Morning with a note that says "For Santa".  Point out to the child that the cookies are untouched, therefore Santa does not exist.  Use their tears to salt the rim of a margarita glass.  Drink and enjoy their misery.    

SERVES BETWEEN ONE AND 20 PEOPLE, DEPENDING ON LEVEL OF FATNESS AND FOOD AGGRESSION.  

Pumpkin French Toast. Easy as shit!! No, easy as pie! I should have said pie!!!

Sticking with the fall vegetable theme, and wanting to get another recipe on the books before I leave for vacation this weekend, I have to let you all in on my all-time favorite, and one of the simplest creations I have come up with.

Sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning, ready for some football and couch-laying, with a desire for nothing more than alcohol-soaking carbs.  I used to roll out of bed at 9:56, with just enough time to set my fantasy lineups and pour a strong Kahlua and coffee before spending the next 9 hours watching a bunch of millionaires in tight pants pile onto each other while fighting over leather.  You know, MAN stuff.

Now I have a baby.  And while she is the absolute love of my life, blah blah blah, she wakes up at the pusscrack of dawn every morning so my Sundays start before the Sun's Sunday does.  This means I have time to kill and time to figure out how to make the world better.  I present to you Pumpkin French Toast:

WHAT YOU NEED:

1 Loaf of French bread.  The bakery kind.  A benefit of being up at 5:30am is that this is fresh.  Makes all the difference in the world.
1 cup of pureed pumpkin (not the pie mix.  As Randy Moss would say, "Straight squash, homie.")
1 cup of unflavored Rice Milk
2 tbs brown sugar
1 accompanying D'Angelo video (that boy FOINE!!)
2 pinches cinnamon
2 pinches nutmeg
2 pinches cloves
2 pinches salt
(If you're having trouble with a "pinch", it's like 1/8 tsp for 2 pinches.  Just put some.  Some.  If you fuck it up, it's on you.)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Butter or spray for the pan

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Slice bread into thickish slices.  About 1/2 inch each.
2)  Heat a skillet to medium-high
3)  Try not to think about having sex with D'Angelo
4)  Mix all ingredients, pumpkin, milk, sugar, salt, vanilla & spices in a bowl with a whisk or a blender if you prefer.
5)  Pour the mix on a flattish surface.  Cover the bread in the mix by plopping (science) it down on the mix on each side.  You don't want it soaked and you don't want it dripping off.  Pumpkin should cover the surface.
6)  Put butter/spray on the skillet and cook on each side for about 2 minutes and then flip.  Repeat.  Best to eyeball them, you'll be able to tell when they're done.
7)  I like to have the oven on like 200 and put the finished slices on a cookie tray to keep them warm.  If you have a fancy warming tray that works too.  Or everyone doesn't have to eat at once.  Serve and enjoy.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  This is good on its own or with some fruit and maybe a piece of veggie sausage.  Maple syrup (authentic, not that plastic-ass Log Cabin bullshit).

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Stuff all slices into a Jack-O-Lantern.  Add a large Jesus candle, light.  Once the Christ-wax has sufficiently covered the french toast, throw it off an overpass at the first Porsche Cayenne you see.  Go home and have some Apple Jacks.

SERVES 4-5.  ALSO KEEPS WELL AND CAN BE RE-HEATED.

PICTURE COMING SOON.

Sweet Potato, Kale & Black Bean Enchiladas - ON CRACK!!!

YAY YAY YAY IT'S THE FIRST RECIPE Y'ALL!!!

So the other night I wanted to make something delicious that incorporated my favorite fall flavors.  Unfortunately, Pumpkin Spice lattes, NFL Football and hard nipples in sweaters don't a vegan meal make, so I had to go for plan B - Sweet Potatoes.

The history of the sweet potato in America is probably interesting.  Haven't looked it up.  Another fave, kale, which is basically essential in half of my meals, had to be involved, and of course, we needed black beans 'cause farting.  Without further delay - here we go:

WHAT YOU NEED:

Enchilada Sauce:

1 15 oz can of tomato sauce or diced tomatoes
1 3/4 cups veggie broth.  For those too lazy to measure, just pretty much refill the empty tomato can.
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 backup teaspoon, 'cause damn you're using that motherfucker a lot!!
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp hot sauce, or to taste
salt to taste

Enchilada Filling:

1 super large sweet potato/yam, diced into 1/4 in cubes (about 3 cups)
1 bunch green kale, washed and torn into bite-size pieces
1 15 oz can black beans
1 poblano pepper
1/2 medium yellow onion, diced
1 tbs oil.  I use peanut, but not essential.  Just don't use Castrol 10W30 or V05 Hot Oil. 
Salt & pepper to taste

Other Shit:

Corn tortillas (about 8, see what will fit your casserole dish)
Daiya vegan cheese (or none, or regular cheese 'cause fuck me, right?)
A casserole dish.

WHAT YOU DO:

1)  Cover the diced sweet potatoes in water, bring to a boil.  Boil about 10 minutes or so after the water starts boiling, until they are tender.  And say the word "boil" a lot.
2)  Prep the veggies while this is cooking, combine all ingredients for the sauce in a saucepan & bring to a boil.  Lower heat & simmer until flavors are combined & liquid is reduced a bit.
3)  Heat oil in a saute pan, add onion & pepper.  Once softened, add kale.  Cook until kale is wilted.
4)  Preheat oven to 350 - probably the right time for this.
5)  Add beans & cooked potatoes to kale mixture, season with salt & pepper to taste. 
6)  Lightly grease the casserole dish with cooking spray or by rubbing it against the hair of a Def Leppard roadie.  Add about 1/2 cup sauce to the bottom of the dish.
7)  Cook tortillas for a minute or so on each side in a frying pan to soften.  Dunk in the sauce & layer the bottom of the dish.
8)  Scoop a healthy layer of the filling over the tortillas.  Almost to the top of the pan or until you run out.  If it goes over you fucked up and now you have to eat off the floor.
9)  Repeat tortilla cooking/sauce dunking to create a top layer.  If you copy Dee Brown's winning dunk from the 1991 Slam Dunk Contest the food will taste 1,000 times better. 
10)  Top with cheese, put in the oven for 15 minutes.
11)  Change oven to broil, cook for 5 more minutes to melt cheese or cheese-like substance (shoutout to Super Sloppy Double Dare)
12)  Remove, let cool 5 minutes.

SERVING SUGGESTION:  Add fresh avocado & salsa, or vegan sour cream.  Also good alone, or with hot sauce.

SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:  Put the whole thing in a blender and add ice & 19 packets of Splenda.  Serve with a sprig of fresh mint & a pine tree car freshener.

MAKES FOOD FOR 4-6 PEOPLE, 2 HORSES OR 3 BUMPUS HOUNDS.

BON APETIT!!!

(photos coming when I learn how to use a camera/the internet)