Like every
overweight person I know, I LOVE me some dessert. Now I never want to become one of those white
trash ladies who wear a chocolate-related hoodless sweatshirt (with built-in
dress collar) to her job in the Accounts Receivable department every day, but I
do enjoy a sweet treat from time to time.
The
following is an idea that I had one morning, figured out during the day, and
made that night. That's a little thing I
like to call "Git R' Done!". I
just made that shit up. I should make
THAT into a hoodless sweatshirt (with built-in dress collar)(denim).
Based solely
on taste and experience, I think it's hard to argue against the s'more as the
best dessert in the world. It gave the
boring-ass graham cracker a new lease on life, and solved the problem of
"how can I light something on fire and then immediately eat
it?". There are a few problems with
the s'more:
1) It is unlikely that when the s'more craving
hits you, you will be in the position to build a campfire. If you are, you likely live in the woods and
probably have bigger problems than figuring out the perfect vegan treat.
2) It's a lot to ask of your friends and
family members to create this yummy treat in your home and not drop chocolate
and marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs all over the white carpet that you
stupidly thought was a good idea to have in your living room.
3) The s'more typically involves 3
non-vegan ingredients, marshmallows (gelatin), chocolate (milk), and graham
crackers (honey). So if you're vegan,
you're s'mshit out of luck.
Solution: Chef Kodi's special vegan s'more
cookies!!! Wait…this will never fly
without a cutesy name that makes you hate yourself after saying it more than
twice. Let's try again:
SOLUTION: The S'MORKIE!!!!!!!!
Ahhhh, the
S'morkie! A lovely, luxurious, heartwarming treat that
will be enjoyed by vegans and non-vegans alike.
WHAT YOU NEED:
1 1/2 cup of
flour
1 cup of
Graham Cracker crumbs (about 10 full crackers, or half a box, smashed by hand
with a few pieces is okay, in fact, it makes the texture more interesting and
better for the party in your mouth to which cavities are invited)
1/2 tsp
baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
Replacement
for 2 eggs (I use 1/2 cup silken tofu and 1 teaspoon baking powder, but there
are other options such as the "En-er-G Egg Replacer" which comes in a
box that looks like a prop from the Brady Bunch's cupboard)
1/4 cup REAL
maple syrup (and if you try to come with that Log Cabin bullshit, I will cut
you)
1 cup brown
sugar
1 tsp
vanilla extract
1/2 cup corn
oil
1 cup vegan
chocolate chips
I bag of
vegan marshmallows (mini are the best)
WHAT YOU DO:
1) Preheat the oven to 350.
2) Mix all dry ingredients (flour,
graham crackers, baking powder, baking soda, salt) set aside.
3) Whisk together wet ingredients (egg
replacement, oil, syrup, brown sugar, vanilla) until well mixed. For those of you that say "but brown
sugar isn't wet!" all I can say is that your mom's face isn't wet.
4) Since you probably forgot, turn on
the oven.
5) Slowly combine the dry mixture into
the wet, and mix until just combined.
Fold in the chocolate chips.
SIDE NOTE:
One reason that vegan baking stomps ass is that there are no raw eggs
and no risk of salmonella. This means
you can eat all the uncooked dough that your chubby, overworked heart
desires. This also means that since your newfound skill at vegan cooking will lead to lots of sex and pregnancies, you can safely feed the uncooked dough to your pregnant lady friend as a distraction while you hastily pack your duffel bag and leave town.
6) Place the dough by the spoonful
(about 2 tbs per cookie) onto a lightly greased baking sheet. I prefer to roll it into balls and press so
that they have even thickness. You can
also use parchment paper and no grease.
I prefer this method because parchment is what the Constitution was
written on, and if you don't like parchment you're a fucking commie.
7) Bake the cookies for about 13 minutes,
remove from the oven.
8) They should be soft on top and not
fully cooked. Take the marshmallows and
press them into the top of the cookies.
While you're doing this, switch the oven to Broil.
9) Once the marshmallows are in the top
of the cookies, pop the tray back in and cook until they are slightly brown and
melty on the top. They will start to
expand, and that's how you will know you're close. DO NOT leave the room. DO NOT leave the marshmallows
unattended. It should only take 90
seconds or so, depending on the broiler, and you may want to lift the cookie sheet to make sure the 'mallows (cool way to say marshmallows) get toasted, but if your cookies catch on fire and
you're stuck serving fruit or some stupid bullshit like that as dessert as you
air out the kitchen and have to ask the tall person to pull the 9 volt battery
out of your smoke detector, it's your own damn fault.
10) Take the cookies out, they can be
eaten as soon as people can stand to touch them. The warmer the better. After day #1, pop them in the microwave for
10-15 seconds to re-create that campfire feeling even though you're just home
alone reading vampire fiction and whining to your cats about how hard it is to
find a man.
11) Best served with good friends and a
scary story LOL!!!! But seriously, if
the "here's a campfire, good thing I brought my acoustic guitar, now
listen to me play the same riff from a Dave Matthews song all night" guy
comes along, don't give him a cookie.
12) Smile as your non-vegan friends enjoy
the fruits of your labor, wince as they discuss with one another how easy it
would be to make this recipe using regular, non-vegan items. Assholes.
SERVING SUGGESTION:
It's the
perfect fucking cookie. Eat it by
itself. Or with a chilled glass of rice
milk. Or atop a scoop of vanilla bean
coconut ice cream.
SERVING NOT SUGGESTION:
Put a
plateful on the fireplace of a child's house on Christmas Morning with a note
that says "For Santa". Point
out to the child that the cookies are untouched, therefore Santa does not
exist. Use their tears to salt the rim
of a margarita glass. Drink and enjoy
their misery.
SERVES BETWEEN ONE AND 20 PEOPLE, DEPENDING ON LEVEL OF FATNESS AND FOOD AGGRESSION.
